


Zootopia One Shots

by Anguirus1955



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-08-14 00:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7991530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anguirus1955/pseuds/Anguirus1955
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of one shots detailing the various characters of the movie Zootopia.  Continuity between stories will vary.  Just because a story shares certain characters with another one shot does not mean that it is in the same continuity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Babysittin' Duty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finnick babysits Nick and Judy's offspring.

Zootopia One Shots by Anguirus1955

Disclaimer: Zootopia is owned by Disney. Personally, I think that this information is obvious, but for the sake of legal protection, I will state it anyway.

* * *

**001 - Babysittin' Duty**

* * *

Finnick sighed. He looked over at the small sleeping infant next to him in his van. It was a strange sight, a cross between a rabbit and a fox, but not for the obvious reasons. Instead, Finnick found it strange because the infant could easily pass for a Fennec fox such as himself, at least from a distance. The ears, though, gave away part of the child's heritage upon closer inspection. While not exactly like those of a rabbit, they were still more rounded than a red fox's ears, although their ability to move like a rabbit's ears was somewhat inhibited by their broader base. They could move alright, but nowhere near the range of the girl's mother.

The face of the child, relaxed in her slumber, was also fascinating, as it was most definitely a fox muzzle, but the very end of her maw had those rabbit-like formations, although they were subtle, but still there nonetheless. When the child had been awake, he remembered, her teeth were a fascinating display of mixed biology, with canines near the front, but with regular chewers lining the mouth in between and behind.

Foxes, of course, were omnivorous, so this wasn't too much of a surprise, but nevertheless, it was the presence of those small buck-teeth in the front, or at least what would grow into rabbit fronts sooner or later. _Weird_ , Finnick thought to himself with a shrug of his shoulders as he sat back and listened to the jazz that Nick had insisted the young girl enjoyed.

 _Sure, Nick. Of course a six-month old will enjoy listening to jazz. She's a frickin' baby, she's not gonna give a damn what the genre is!_ Finnick sighed. The rest of the infant's body was much more like that of a fox, but with gray fur and a fluffy tail with a white tip. _Oh yeah, she definitely gets that from her mother_ , he thought. Glancing over to his right, Finnick looked at the girl's twin brother, who was much more rabbit-like, but with reddish fur and a shorter tail, although it was still bushy. His face was shorter and rounder, more in line with a rabbit, but his ears were definitely those of a fox. His teeth were the same as his sister's, and his eyes, which were currently open and studying Finnick, were purple, like his mother.

"Uh... hi," Finnick said quietly. The male hybrid tilted his head curiously, before smiling at Finnick and panting. "Um... so, how long have, uh, you been awake?" Finnick asked the young... pup, or kit, or whatever the hell Judy and Nick called their offspring. Finnick reached for a bottle of formula and saw how the... kip eyed it. _Yeah. Kip. Hybrid of words for a hybrid of species... I guess_ , Finnick thought to himself.

The boy's eyes widened considerably after seeing the bottle. Finnick, of course, decided to tease the poor thing first. He moved the bottle towards the kip's face, whose smile brightened in anticipation. And then, when the bottle was mere inches from the the kip's muzzle, Finnick held it there. The infant moved his snout forward as far as he could, sticking his tongue out to try to touch the nipple of the bottle.

Finnick slowly shook his head as he watched the infant tilt his head and try to lick the bottle, only to pull back before moving his head forward again, once more trying to lick the bottle in a strangely desperate yet humorous attempt to feed. Finnick smirked, which the infant picked up on, looking at him with a hopeful expression on his face. Finnick then moved the bottle forward towards the kip, whose eyes widened in anticipation. The boy opened his mouth and closed his eyes, expecting nourishment as his tongue touched the tip of the nipple, only for his eyes to shoot open in shock after the bottle was pulled away.

The kip stared up at Finnick with shock clearly written across his face, along with disbelief, as if he were saying ' _Why!? How dare you!?_ ' Finnick chuckled at the display, only to stop when he saw the tears begin to well up in the child's eyes as he began to produce a high-pitched whine. "Uh-oh," Finnick muttered before moving the bottle forward and putting it in the infant's mouth. The child greedily suckled on it with an expression of bliss on his face.

"Well, at least you aren't as finicky as your sister," Finnick said with a sigh as he looked back over his shoulder at the sleeping female. "Just keep sleeping, Vicky," Finnick said quietly before noticing that he could no longer feel the bottle in his hand. Returning his attention to the boy, Finnick saw that he was holding the bottle with both paws. "Well, aren't you a fast learner?" Finnick commented.

The boy glanced over at him with an expression that almost seemed smug, before returning his attention to his bottle. While Finnick would never say it out loud, especially not around the rabbit cop, he found the sight to be quite... cute. Then again, since these children were also part fox, perhaps he could get away with it. _Eh, that's a pondering for another day_ , Finnick thought to himself.

Finnick was brought out of his thoughts when he heard a small whine, followed by a chirp of sorts. Eyes widening in horror, Finnick slowly turned his head to look over at Victoria, who was staring at him. She looked over at her brother, Ben, before moving her sights back over to Finnick. She repeated this process several times, glancing between the bottle in Ben's paws and Finnick, adding a whine here and there, until Finnick sighed in defeat and went to prepare another bottle.

Finnick could have swore that he saw her smile as he stood up. "You're gonna be the death of me one day. I know it," Finnick said under his breath as he opened the container of baby supplies that Nick and Judy had given him earlier this morning. "Okay, now where was that instruction packet for preparing the formula?" he asked himself rhetorically.

He had just finished preparing the formula when his nose wrinkled. "Oh no," he whispered as he turned around. He looked over at Ben, who was staring at a butterfly that had landed on his nose. Moving slightly closer to Ben, Finnick ascertained that the young buck was _not_ the source of his newest horror. Slowly turning to look at Victoria, Finnick definitely saw a wicked grin on her face as realization dawned on him. "Well... shit," he muttered.

* * *

Several Hours Later...

Finnick awoke to the sound of knocking on his van doors. He glanced over at Ben and Victoria, both of whom were sleeping soundly. The knocking persisted. "Okay, okay, I'm coming," Finnick said as he grabbed his baseball bat and opened the doors. He lowered the bat after seeing Nick and Judy in their uniforms.

"Oh, it's just you guys," Finnick said. "Yes, and you must be Finnick," Nick said. "Oh hardee-har-har, ass-wipe," Finnick retorted. "I hope you aren't using that language around our children," Judy said with a warning tone. "Don't worry, I speak every language _except_ English around them," Finnick replied snarkily.

Judy rolled her eyes. She had gotten used to Finnick's behavior by the second year of her marriage to Nick, since both foxes had had a slight falling out when Nick had joined the Zootopia Police Department. It was Nick and Judy's marriage five years later which had prompted Nick to begin reaching back out to the smaller fox, seeing as the only other witnesses to the duo's small and quiet ceremony were Benjamin Clawhauser and Nick's mother. "So, how are the demon-spawn?" Nick asked Finnick.

"Hey, that's my line," Finnick replied in jest. "I know, but anyway, how are they?" Nick asked his friend. "They're sleepin'," Finnick replied. Judy looked over at her two infants, both of whom were sleeping in their small detachable car seats, which Finnick had found in a dumpster and polished for the Wilde's as a gift. "I hope they didn't give you too much trouble," Judy said as she hopped into the van and gently ran her paw over Victoria's sleeping face. "Only when shittin' their pants or whining for food," Finnick replied.

Judy frowned slightly but otherwise let the comment slide. "So, tomorrow my mother comes back to town, and we can leave them with her," Nick said as he reached over and held up one of the baby carriers. "Hey, Nick, that girl of yours... she's smarter than she lets on," Finnick said. "Of course she is. She's _my_ daughter," Nick said as he flashed a grin at Finnick.

"I know. That's why she's such a pain in the ass too," Finnick said. "Hey!" Judy said with a frown as she looked at Finnick. "What? It's true. Earlier today, when she crapped her diaper, she _grinned_ at me. She didn't whine or cry or anything. Oh no, she fu-I mean, well, she grinned! Like she _knew_ that I would have to deal with it. Little Ben, though... he's all right, I guess. He cries when _he_ craps himself, so I know he doesn't do it to torment me," Finnick said.

"Don't take it personally, Fin. Vicky's just... well, Vicky," Nick said. "Yeah, well I hope you train that out of her when it comes time for her to start attending school or daycare or whatever," Finnick said. "We'll make sure they're potty trained before we ask you to watch them again," Nick said with a smirk.

"I expect you to keep that promise," Finnick said. "Of course. Have I _ever_ broken a promise to you before?" Nick asked him. "Do you want a short list or a long one?" Finnick replied with a neutral expression. Judy had to hold in a laugh as she hopped out of Finnick's van with her son in his baby carrier... seat... thing. "Well, thanks for watching them, Finnick. Take care," Judy said as she walked over to her and Nick's beat up old jeep and strapped her son in.

"Yup, take care," Nick said as he turned away, carrying his sleeping daughter over to the car where Judy was waiting for him. Finnick watched as the couple drove away from the lot where he had parked his van, before he turned to look at the setting sun. "Winter's comin' soon," Finnick said to himself. He then turned around and froze. Nick and Judy had forgotten to take the bag of baby supplies with them. He produced a growl/sigh of irritation, only for his ears to perk when he heard the sound of tires on the ground behind him.

He turned around and saw the Wilde's jeep stopping a few meters from his van. He reached into the his van and grabbed the bag before turning around and smirking at them. Nick got out of the vehicle and walked over to Finnick. "Forget something?" Finnick asked him with a smirk. "Yes. Yes I did," Nick said. "I forgot to give baby his goodnight kiss," Nick added with a chuckle. "You know what, Nick? The next you leave those kips where with me, I'm gonna use them to run a con," Finnick said.

Nick chuckled again, before looking at Finnick in confusion. "Kips?" he asked. "Kit and pup, like how your children are, you know, hybrids? Get it?" Finnick asked him. "Huh. I guess," Nick said before reaching over to take the bag. "Ah-ah. I changed your children's diapers and fed them. I expect some kind of monetary payment," Finnick said with a grin.

Nick sighed and reached into his pocket, producing his wallet. Finnick's eyes lit up as Nick handed him two hundred bucks. "Well, Nick. Thank you," Finnick said. "No, thank _you_ ," Nick said. "Huh?" Finnick asked. "Some of that is advanced payment for the next time we drop our spawn on you," Nick said with a grin. Finnick grimaced. "Well played, Nick, well played," Finnick said with reluctant admittance of defeat.

"Well, we'll see you by the time of the Winter Solstice. Hopefully _one_ of our... _kips_... will be potty trained by then," Nick said as he retrieved the bag and turned around, walking back to the jeep where his wife and children waited. "Sure, and I'll grow wings and fly all the way to Reptaelia," Finnick whispered sarcastically to himself as he watched the jeep pull out of the lot and drive away. Oh well, he only had to deal with the children for one day. Nick and Judy, on the other paw, would have to deal with them for the rest of their lives, or least the next eighteen years, Finnick realized with a grin as he hopped back inside his van. Suckers.

Fin.


	2. Unchecked Genius

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick and Judy's daughter is smart, very smart. Unfortunately, she may be too smart for her own good.

Zootopia One Shots by Anguirus1955

Disclaimer: Zootopia is owned by Disney. Personally, I think that this information is obvious, but for the sake of legal protection, I will state it anyway.

* * *

**002 - Unchecked Genius**

* * *

Officer Judy H. Wilde sat silently in the police cruiser while Nick grabbed a bug burger from a food stand. Judy watched her partner/husband/mate pay for the food before she felt her phone begin to vibrate. "What the?" she wondered out loud.

"Hello?" she asked into the phone. " _Um, hello, Mrs. Wilde? Um, this is the daycare center,_ " said the voice of a female dear. "Yes, has something happened?" Judy asked. " _Well, not really, but your daughter, Victoria? Well, she seems to be very eager to read, and is looking at some... very advanced books for her age,_ " the doe said on the other end.

"Okay, how advanced. Like, Professor Yertle, or-" " _Advanced mathematics... for high school,_ " the doe said. Judy chuckled. "Oh please, that can't be right. She's barely a year old. How can she be reading math books for high school?" Judy asked.

" _Well, maybe she just likes the pictures of the numbers, but she does seem reluctant to let anybody else get near the books. I just... thought you should know,_ " the doe said. "Okay. Well thank you for letting me know that my daughter might be gifted," Judy said. "You're welcome," the doe said before hanging up.

Just then, Nicholas P. Wilde entered the cruiser, handing Judy a vanilla shake. "So, who're you talking to?" Nick asked her. "Oh, that was just the daycare. Victoria got her hands on some math books and started looking at the pictures in them. you know how those things can be quite colorful in certain areas," Judy said. "Math books? In a daycare?" Nick asked.

"Well, haven't you ever been to a daycare?" Judy asked him. "Not when I was a kid. People weren't as trusting of fox children back then as they are now," Nick replied. "Oh. I'm sorry," Judy said as she placed one of her paws on one of his in a comforting gesture. "It's all right. I still turned out just fine, didn't I?" Nick asked her with a grin.

Two hours later, there was another call from the daycare. "Hello?" Judy asked. " _Mrs. Wilde, I'm afraid that your daughter, Victoria, is not just looking at the pictures in books. She's now actually reading advanced physics and chemistry books as well. These books are far too advanced for her, but she seems to understand them just fine,_ " the doe said.

"Are-are you serious?" Judy asked with both jubilation and concern in her voice. " _Yes, quite so. She's now moved onto college level academic books. It's... quite concerning for someone at her age to be understanding this material,_ " the doe said. "I understand. My husband and I will have her checked out by a specialist later this evening or this week. Thank you for calling," Judy said.

"Was that the daycare again?" Nick asked her. "Yeah. Our daughter is reading advanced math, chemistry, and physics books now. _College level_ books, Nick," Judy said. "That's... odd," Nick said as they slowly drove towards another patrol spot. "So, nothing about Ben?" Nick asked. "No, nothing at all. He must be behaving normally for his age," Judy replied.

Two more hours later, Judy received another call. This time, however, things were frantic at the daycare. "Hello?" Judy asked. " _Please, you have to stop your daughter! She won't listen to us! Someone has to stop her!_ " the doe said in a panicked voice.

"Calm down, what's she doing?" Judy asked. "Y _our daughter is building a miniature fusion reactor in the playpen area! We've tried getting her to stop, but she keeps using Kung Fu to keep us at bay! Her brother isn't any help either. He just rolls around on the floor and stares at his sister in confusion! Please, you need to stop your daughter before she does something dangerous! You need to-wait, no don't-_ " the doe was cut off. Judy was about to ask what happened when a bright hot white light consumed all of Zootopia.

* * *

We now give you a special message from Santa-bot.

"Ha-ha-ha! Everyone's **_dead!_** "


	3. The Day Clawhauser Stood Still

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clawhauser is acting strange...

Zootopia One Shots by Anguirus1955

Disclaimer: Zootopia is owned by Disney. Personally, I think that this information is obvious, but for the sake of legal protection, I will state it anyway.

* * *

**003 - The Day Clawhauser Stood Still**

* * *

It was Friday evening when someone finally noticed that the usually cheerful and animate cheetah stationed at the front desk of the Zootopia Police Department's First Precinct was behaving strangely. Earlier that morning he had still been his cheerful self, eating donuts and playing with a Gazelle app on his phone.

The first sign of trouble was at noon, when Chief Bogo called Clawhauser to send Officer McHorn to his office to discuss something. Instead of cheerfully saying 'Sure thing, Chief!' or something to that effect, Clawhauser's voice had been a flat and almost muted, "Sure, Chief. Right away."

Chief Bogo was suspicious of Clawhauser's change in behavior, but had decided to let it go until his meeting with McHorn was over.

The next sign of trouble had been when two people had approached the portly cheetah for assistance, but his trance-like state made communication with him almost impossible. Later on, when Nick and Judy found Clawhauser staring off into the distance with a strange look on his face, they asked him if he was okay, but received almost no response except for a mumbled 'sure'.

It was around six in the evening when the rest of the police department finally descending upon the main lobby and tried to see what the problem was with Clawhauser. "Uh, hey, Ben? Are you okay?" Nick asked the cheetah. There was no response. "Officer Clawhauser, what is going on here?" Chief Bogo asked authoritatively. Clawhauser did not respond. "Officer Clawhauser, I demand an explanation," Bogo said, waving a hoof in front of the feline.

"G-Gazelle," Clawhauser said. "Yes, what about her?" Judy asked him. "She... she said that donuts... were bad," he finished in a state of shock and disbelief. "Um... wait, that's it?" Nick asked incredulously. "I can't... I don't understand," Clawhauser said mutely.

"I love donuts... but I also love... Gazelle," Clawhauser said, a war raging in his mind and heart over his two great loves. "I'm not really seeing a problem here," Nick said. "I don't get it either," McHorn said in agreement with the fox. "So your favorite pop singer said that donuts are bad. Who cares what she thinks?" McHorn asked.

Clawhauser slowly turned his head so that he was looking at McHorn. His eyes burned holes into McHorn's eyes, searching deep into his soul. Slowly, Clawhauser raised a hand and pointed at McHorn while frowning. "Shut your mouth, cretin, or I'll sew it shut for you," Clawhauser threatened.

Judy stared at him slack-jawed. Not once had she ever heard or seen Clawhauser threaten someone like that, not even when Chief Bogo's daughter had visited the station and devoured all three of Clawhauser's hidden stashes of donuts in his desk area, or when a drunk suspect had urinated all over the front desk while being dragged into the station by Officer Grizzoli.

No. This was new. "C-Clawhauser?" Judy asked with concern in her voice. "Um... I-I think that what McHorn is trying to say is... well, it's okay to like Gazelle, but we don't need to let every word she says dictate our lives," Judy said, trying to calm down the cheetah. "But... I love donuts... and I love Gazelle," Clawhauser said. "How... how can I possibly choose between one or the other?" he asked.

"Um... you could just not think about it?" Nick suggested. "Besides, where did you hear that Gazelle criticized donuts?" Nick asked the cheetah. Clawhauser raised up his phone, which still had its charger plugged in. Nick looked at the web page displaying the article, and noticed that it was from a tabloid website, one filled with half-assed articles and links to needless subscriptions. But perhaps the most interesting thing about the article was that, despite the headline being about Gazelle condemning donuts, the real article itself was about Gazelle being attacked by a giant living donut from another dimension. Taking Clawhauser's phone, Nick scrolled down to the bottom of the page and looked at the links section, seeing that the article had been re-posted from another website.

Checking the link, Nick found that the original website of the article was none other than the famous satirical news site, The Radish. Nick sighed. "Clawhauser, Gazelle never said anything about donuts," Nick said. "W-What?" Clawhauser asked him. "Look, the source of the article was a satire web site. The whole thing was written as a joke and then spread around the net by some lazy bum trying to get more people to look at their site by using Gazelle's name," Nick said.

"So this means... I can still love Gazelle and eat donuts at the same time?" Clawhauser asked him. "Yup," Nick replied. "Oh, Klaatu Verada Niktu!" Clawhauser shouted with joy. "Klaa-what?" Judy asked. "Don't ask," Bogo said with a warning look on his face.

And so Clawhauser returned to normal, Chief Bogo decided to invest in finding another therapist for the station, McHorn learned to keep his mouth shut, and Nick and Judy went over to Nick's apartment so that they could screw each other's brains out without noisy neighbors commenting on them like sports announcers.

Fin.


	4. That Zootopia Show

Zootopia One Shots by Anguirus1955

Disclaimer: Zootopia is owned by Disney. Personally, I think that this information is obvious, but for the sake of legal protection, I will state it anyway.

* * *

**004 - That Zootopia Show**

* * *

Victoria Wilde had always been a mischievous and devious girl. At age four, she had managed to convince Clawhauser to give her two boxes of donuts with no questions asked for two weeks straight. At age seven, when a young ram at school had been bullying her and her brother for being hybrids, she'd managed to slip laxatives into his lunch. At age twelve, she'd been overcome with an extremely disturbing desire to join the circus, which her parents had successfully talked her out of doing.

At age fifteen, on a Friday afternoon, Victoria Wilde was now crying in her room, heartbroken and depressed. "Um, hey, Vicky," her brother, Benjamin Wilde, asked her, "Could you help me with my algebra? Vicky?" "Go away," she said into her pillow. While Benjamin Wilde was certain slower on the uptake than his sister, he was by no means stupid, just a little naive care-free.

"Is something wrong?" Ben asked her. "Go. Away," Vicky snarled. "Did one of your teachers discover that you're trying to take over the world?" Ben asked playfully, hoping to lighten his sister's mood. Making jokes about her being an evil genius had often made her feel better in the past. "I said GO AWAY!" Vicky shouted at him.

"Okay, I'm walking away. Don't bite my head off," Ben said as he left his sister's room. "Oh! Uh, hey, before I forget, Sarah, Holly, and John are coming over later, and so are Fuzz and Belzo. We'll, uh, be in the basement," Ben said, just noticing the tiny flinch that Victoria produced when he mentioned Holly's name. Victoria otherwise did not respond. "I'll... I'll let Mom and Dad know that you're upset when they come home... if I notice them," Ben said.

* * *

**Some Odd Hours Later**

When Nick and Judy opened the door to their home and stepped inside, they first noticed that the living room was empty. Normally Victoria would be down here watching Professor When or some other science fiction program. Both parents saw the closed door to the basement when they entered the kitchen, and Nick could smell the stash of a yak when they got closer.

"You don't think they actually convinced Vicky to join them, do you?" Judy asked her mate with some concern. "No," he said with a sniff as he carefully opened the door very, very slowly. "I don't smell her down there," Nick whispered to her. They both heard the laughter of their son and his friends, though, and the smell of sweet Mary Jane became stronger.

"Judy, why don't you go find Victoria, and I'll stay here and listen in," Nick suggested. Judy nodded her head in agreement and quietly took off to go look for their daughter. Nick watched as his wife soon disappeared up the stairs before he returned his attention to the basement.

* * *

"So, I think that sometimes, when no one else is looking, crossing guards flip off the cars that are just going past them," Benjamin Wilde said with a smile. He then passed the toke to Sarah Malkoez, a female snow leopard. "You know, sometimes, I like to compose my essays so that if you look at the first letter of each line going down, it reads FUCK YOU to the teacher. Especially in Mister Hornwitz's class," she said with a smile and a chuckle. Everyone else laughed as well. "Yeah, that guy's a jerk!" John exclaimed.

Sarah then passed the toke to Belzo Uvarr, a ferret. "Sometimes, I like to stare at the stars at night, and I wonder if there's any intelligent life on Earth," he said before cracking up. Everyone else joined in as well. Belzo then passed the toke to Holly Xanders, a female arctic fox. "So, I recently found this psychology book about the ego, id and self, and I read it while high, and it was... I don't know how to explain it, but I spent the next day just staring up at my ceiling, contemplating how little I really knew about the world," Holly said. Everyone stared at her.

"I also then discovered how to make myself go into heat any time I want," Holly announced proudly. "You are a goddess!" Ben exclaimed. Belzo and Fuzz both agreed with jaws hanging open in wide smiles. "I made that last part up," Holly said before flashing a wicked grin and chuckling to herself. Sarah also laughed at the boys' reactions to the news. "You... are evil," Ben said. "Yeah, that... that was mean," Belzo said.

Holly then passed the toke to Fuzz Allaccupokha, a young male yak. Unlike the other animals, he was really tall, so Ben often wondered just how many laws of physics Fuzz broke whenever he managed to squeeze himself through the basement door. "So, last weekend, my aunt came to visit us, and when I told my dad that she was here, he went to greet her, but he didn't recognize her, because it was my other aunt, and not his sister, so he was really confused, and my mother thought it was the funniest thing ever," Fuzz said with a chuckle. Ben and Belzo shrugged their shoulders.

Fuzz then passed the toke to John Travis, a young male coyote. "Okay, so last night, I was watching Spider-Wolf, and half way through the movie, I remembered that there's an actual spider somewhere in the world called a wolf spider. And for the life of me, I started thinking about how cool it would be for Spider-Wolf to fight a large mutant wolf spider or something," John said.

"Yeah, that would be pretty cool," Sarah said. "Yeah... except I hate spiders," Fuzz said. "I thought you were just terrified of them?" Holly asked him. "Oh yeah, that's right," Fuzz said. There was a moment of silence before everyone started laughing. During this raucous laugh fest, none of them noticed the uniformed adult walking down the stairs and moving to stand behind Ben, at least until Belzo looked up at Ben and his jaw dropped in fear, disbelief, and surprise. Soon, the other young animals also noticed the interloper.

Ben noticed everyone's panicked looks and looked at them all in confusion. His father then leaned over his shoulder. "Upstairs... now," Nick said firmly. "All of you," he added as he looked around the table before walking back up the stairs. Ben looked at his friends with embarrassment. "I... am in huge trouble," he said before breaking out into laughter at the situation.

* * *

"Vicky?" Judy asked as she slowly opened the door to her daughter's room. Vicky was lying down on the bed, covering herself with a blanket. "It's a bit early to go to sleep, Honey," Judy said as she walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Just leave me alone," Vicky asked in a strained voice. "Vicky? What's wrong?" Judy asked her daughter.

"Nothing, just leave me alone," Vicky lied. "Victoria, what's wrong? You can tell me; I'm your mother," Judy said in a comforting tone. Victoria slowly sat up and looked at her mother, hesitating on how to tell her about her newest self discovery and heartbreak. "M-Mom? Do you promise you won't judge me?" Vicky asked her in a scared tone of voice.

Judy's ears raised up in alarm. Victoria was rarely ever this vulnerable. "Sweetie, what's wrong?" Judy asked her. "Mom... I... I'm confused..." Victoria started. "Confused? About what? Is there a subject in school that you need help with?" Judy asked her. "No, it isn't that," Victoria said. "I'm confused... about my sexual orientation," Victoria said.

"Oh. Um... well, what part are you confused about?" Judy asked her slowly. "I like looking at guys... I do, but I'm also... attracted... to my friend, Holly Xanders," Victoria said slowly. She looked like she was close to tears, with her ears pressed down against her neck, and her eyes big and round, full of fear. The sight almost broke Judy's heart. "Oh, come here," Judy said as she pulled her daughter into a hug.

"It's okay, Sweetie. There's nothing wrong with you," Judy said comfortingly. Victoria nuzzled her mother in the manner of any kit seeking protection and warmth. "But, the thing is... I told Holly. And she... rejected me," Victoria said with a whine. "Did she say that she's not interested or did she simply not respond to you?" Judy asked her. "She told me that she isn't interested, and I think I might've jeopardized our friendship," Victoria said.

"Vicky, you and Holly have been friends for almost eight years. While I'm certain that this will make things awkward between the two of you, you can still try to remain friends with her," Judy said. "I don't know if she'll want to," Victoria sniveled. "Vicky, eight years of close friendship won't go away overnight... unless you sleep with whoever she's dating or in a steady relationship with, but that's a talk for another time," Judy said, remembering a story her mother had once told her about her own youth when she (Bonnie, that is) had done just that.

"Okay, but what about my... orientation?" Victoria asked her. Judy and Nick had both agreed that they would raise their children to be open minded, and that meant that both parents had to be willing to talk with them about subjects that many animals considered uncomfortable or taboo. They both wanted their children to be able to trust them and ask them for help when they needed it, and that wouldn't happen if they didn't talk honestly with them about the facts of life.

"Well, you're orientation... seems to be a number of things, including bisexuality and hetero-specialism, that is an interest in animals of a different species. Your father and I are both different species, not to mention I'm a prey and he's a predator. And, most interestingly, it may also be that you're pan-sexual, meaning that you have... attraction... to certain individuals rather than just an attraction limited to a certain sex or species," Judy explained in a motherly tone.

"Am I not... normal?" Victoria asked her. "Well... technically, no. But if everyone was normal, or the same, then the world would be a very boring place. And Vicky, not being normal isn't a bad thing in and of itself either," Judy explained to her as she gently ran her paws down her daughter's neck and back to soothe and comfort her.

"And remember, no matter what, your father and I will always love you, Victoria Wilde," Judy said in a comforting tone as she kissed her daughter on her forehead and hugged her tightly. Victoria eagerly hugged her mother back. "Thank you, Mama," Vicky said. "Any time, sweetheart," Judy said with a smile. "Now come on, let's find out what your brother and his friends have been up to downstairs," Judy said.

"Um, Mom? Holly's down there," Victoria said. "Then, before she leaves, talk to her and let her know that you value your friendship and that you hope things can work out," Judy said. "And if she doesn't want to remain friends?" Victoria asked her. "Then... let her know that you'll always have her back when she needs help. I don't know what else to say at this point. I never actually experienced this particular issue when I was your age. I was too busy studying and preparing myself for becoming a police officer to do much more than maybe have a fling or two, just for the sake of having some kind of experience," Judy said with a slight blush.

"I'm sure that experience came in handy when you and Dad got together," Victoria said with a smirk. "You know what? It did... sort of," Judy said with a shrug of her shoulders. "Now, come on," she implored her daughter. Victoria sighed and got off her bed, following her mother downstairs, where they both saw Ben and his friends sitting in chairs in the kitchen while Nick stood near the refrigerator, glaring at them.

"Did we miss anything?" Judy asked as she walked over to her husband. "Not much, although the looks on their faces when they realized I had caught them were priceless," Nick told her with a smirk. "Um... are we... under arrest?" Sarah asked. "No. Technically, marijuana isn't illegal in Zootopia, but you kids really shouldn't be smoking weed until you're in your twenties and the daily grind of having one or two part-time jobs while going to college and paying student loans begins to weigh you down. _That_ is when it's appropriate for you to start smoking marijuana. Also, that stuff stinks, and now my basement smells!" Nick replied.

"Oh," Fuzz said. "Now, how long have you been doing this, and how often?" Nick asked them with a critical eye. He had Judy's carrot pen in his paws behind his back. "Um, usually just on Fridays, for the last two and a half years," John said. "You guys have been smoking pot every Friday for the past two and a half years!?" Judy asked them, shocked. "Well, not _every_ Friday, just most of them," Ben said with a shrug.

"Now, I'm going to drive all of you home, and you're going to explain to your parents just what happened here tonight. I'll let them decide how to handle this. I hope they aren't too hard on you, but that's entirely up to them. Ben, you'll be coming with us," Nick said as he led the teenage animals out of the kitchen. Holly was briefly pulled to the side by Victoria, who took her over to a hallway to talk with he in private for a few minutes before letting her rejoin the others.

"Um, Dad? Why am I coming along?" Ben asked. "You're going to be cleaning the basement to get rid of discoloration caused by the smoke, and you'll be airing it out tonight and tomorrow," Nick replied. "Then why aren't I staying at the house to get started?" Ben asked. "Because we need to buy the proper cleaning supplies after we've dropped off everyone else," Nick said with a smile. "Oh." "And one more thing. I have all of you recorded on this pen, so I have evidence if you try anything," Nick said, grinning.

Back at the house, Judy watched as her daughter heated up a cold bug burger in the microwave. "So, what was Holly's response?" Judy asked her daughter. "Well... she's agreed to stay friends with me," Victoria said. "But?" Judy asked, hearing the tone that her daughter had used. "But... she wants to know if Ben is seeing anyone," Victoria said. Judy's eyes widened in surprise.

"I told her that I'd tell her after the weekend is over," Victoria said with a grin. "So, you're both on good terms with each other?" Judy asked her. "Yep. And I also told her that I would only reveal Ben's status if she agreed to come here and help clean the basement tomorrow," Vicky said. "How did you get her to agree to that?" Judy asked her daughter. Victoria reached into her jeans and pulled a carrot pen out of her pocket. Judy's eyes widened in surprise as Victoria flashed a grin. "It's called a hustle, sweetheart."

**Fin.**


	5. The Light In Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick has a special surprise for Judy.

Zootopia One Shots by Anguirus1955

Disclaimer: Zootopia is owned by Disney. Personally, I think that this information is obvious, but for the sake of legal protection, I will state it anyway.

* * *

**The Light In Your Eyes**

* * *

Nicholas Piberius Wilde opened his eyes and looked up at the ceiling. He glanced over at the alarm clock on next to his bed before focusing his gaze on the gray-furred rabbit draped over his chest. He smiled as he brought a paw up to gently stroke her back. "Hey, wake up," Nick said quietly. Judy groggily opened her eyes and looked up at him with a smile.

"I thought you were supposed to wear me out last night, not the other way around," Nick said cheekily. "Well... you're really good," Judy said with a blush. "Hey, since we have off today, there's something I want us to do together in Tundra Town this afternoon... or evening," Nick said softly. "Oh?" Judy asked him. "Yeah, but there's two parts to it, and one part is a surprise," Nick said with a grin.

"A surprise, eh? Hmm, okay, sly fox," Judy said before moving forward to kiss him on the muzzle. "So, if we're going to be heading to Tundra Town, we might want to get out of the bed first," Nick said. "Can't we stay in the bed a little bit longer?" Judy asked him, staring up at him with her big purple eyes and her ears lowered in the most adorable pout Nick had ever seen.

It was her twitching nose that did him in. "Okay, but we have to be awake, though," Nick said with a grin. "Hmm, stay in the bed but still be awake? I think I know how to manage that," Judy said with a smirk before retreating under the covers. "Carrots? What are you- _oohhhhh yeessssssssss_." It took them another hour before they actually got out of the bed and then another hour to finish getting a shower together. They didn't eat anything until 10:15 am, almost two hours after they had woken up.

* * *

It was just an hour before evening when Nick and Judy arrived at a special location. Nick had his paws covering Judy's eyes. Both mammals wore winter clothing, although given that they were covered in fur, it was more of a fashion accessory than anything else. "Can I see it yet?" Judy asked him with a smile. "Not just yet," Nick said with a grin.

The pair moved a little bit forward until they were at a railing that was on a cliff edge overlooking a frozen lake and snow-covered forest down below. The sun was setting, and the sky was beginning to turn the most beautiful shades of pink, purple, and blue. "Okay, now you can look," Nick said as he removed his paws from Judy's face. Judy blinked before taking in the scene in front of her.

Her eyes widened in awe at the way the light of the sky was reflected by the snow on the trees and the ground, giving it an almost ethereal and calming effect. "It's... it's beautiful," Judy whispered. "Isn't it?" Nick asked her. Judy nodded her head.

"Nick, this is-I don't even... thank you," Judy said sincerely as she turned around and hugged him. "You bunnies. So emotional," Nick said as he returned her hug. "Now, take a couple of pictures with this camera," Nick said as he retrieved a camera from a bag he'd brought with him. After handing off the camera to Judy, Nick began rummaging through the bag once more, looking for a special box.

Judy took at least six pictures before turning around to look at Nick, who had one paw behind his back and was kneeling in front of her. "Uh... you turned around a few seconds earlier than I was ready for, but... well, here goes nothing. Ahem. Judy Hopps," Nick said as he slowly brought his other paw out and held out a small black box in front of Judy. "Will you... will you... you can do this, Nick," he said to himself as he opened the box and showed Judy a worn and silver-colored ring.

While the ring was clearly old and scratched up, it also looked like Nick had done his best to polish it as well. It was clearly something he went through a lot of effort to take care of, and that meant more to Judy than any fancy necklace or shiny diamond ring. This ring was old and plain, but it was clearly made with love. And Nick had taken care of it with love as well.

"W-Will you... _willyoumarryme?_ " Nick asked. Judy looked back and forth, from the ring to Nick and back. Nick's eyes were big and full of anticipation, worry, fear, hope, love, and something else that Judy couldn't rightly identify. Judy could see the fear behind Nick's eyes, the fear that the animal he loved more than anyone else in the world would reject him.

For the past two years, the two of them had been living together in Nick's new apartment, after Judy's old apartment had been demolished when someone's new couch had broken through the floor and ceiling of her room. Nick and Judy had begun dating shortly before that had happened, and they had been friends for at least three years before moving onto dating. Eventually, Nick had finally met Judy's parents, and after one month of disownment followed by several months of reconciliation, Judy's parents had warmed up to him and their relationship.

There was no one else who Judy wanted to spend the rest of her life with, and Nick had taken care of her when she'd been sick or injured. She'd done the same for him as well. They had both cooked meals for each other, and had helped each other with paperwork. They had both been forced to endure Chief Bogo and Clawhauser performing a duet of a Gazelle song, which was horrifying and had given them both nightmares for a month. They had both gone through hell and back with each other, and Judy didn't want it any other way. With a warm smile gracing her face, Judy composed herself and looked Nick in the eye. "Hmm. Will I marry you?" Judy asked out loud. "Yes. Yes, I will," she said with a smile.

**Fin**


	6. Weird Times At Lionheart Tower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An average day at the office for the employees of Lionheart Tower. AU Story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following story is based on 100% true events that totally happened in real life. Yup, absolutely true events involving talking animals. None of it is made up. At all.

Zootopia One Shots by Anguirus 1955

Disclaimer: Zootopia is owned by Disney. Personally, I think that this information is obvious, but for the sake of legal protection, I will state it anyway.

* * *

**Weird Times At Lionheart Tower**

* * *

Dawn Bellwether looked around nervously, the ornate walls of the palace somehow being more grand in person than they were through hearsay. The guard, a rhino named McHorn, ushered Dawn into Queen Judy's royal chambers. "Thank you, McHorn," Judy said. "You may leave."

McHorn nodded his head. "As you wish, your highness," he said before bowing and turning around. As soon as the door closed, Judy sat up on her royal bed. Her beautiful purple dress, which matched the color of her eyes, hung limply at her shoulders.

"Hello, humble peasant, Dawn Bellwether," Judy said seductively. Dawn felt a shiver go up her spine at the way in which the rabbit spoke to her. The way her lips moved as each word passed through them. Dawn felt her legs grow weak and tremble. "Do you know why I have asked that you be brought here?" Judy asked her coyly. "N-No, your majesty," Dawn replied.

Judy smirked. She then sat up and discarded her dress. Dawn's eyes bugged out at the beauty that stood before her. "Have your eyes been fed a meal this exquisite before?" Judy asked the ewe seductively. "N-No, your... highness," Dawn replied.

"Then remove your clothes," Judy said. Dawn nodded and did as requested. "Beautiful. Now, come hither," Judy beckoned her. Dawn nodded eagerly before making her way towards the equally naked rabbit laying on the bed. "Come, Dawn. Make love to me," Judy begged her as she pulled the ewe into a loving embrace. "Be mine, Dawn. Be mine... _forever,_ " Judy whispered into the sheep's ear. "Oh, yes, Queen Judy! Forever yours!" Dawn cried out blissfully.

* * *

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Dawn," Nick said as he poked the sleeping sheep with his finger. "Come on, wake up," he said. Dawn Bellwether was sleeping with her head on her desk, and drool was coming out of her mouth. "Nick, what's up with Dawn?" Judy asked as she walked over to her two co-workers. "She's asleep. She must've counted herself by accident," Nick said with a grin. "Hey," he said mischievously. He began touching the wool on Dawn's head.

"Oh, this is, like, so soft," he said with a grin. "Nick, cut that out," Judy hissed at him. "Come on, Carrots, feel it!" Nick implored his girlfriend. "No! Now let go before she wakes up," Judy said as she grabbed his arm. "Come on," Nick said. "You know you want to."

"Nick, if you do not stop touching this other female right now, you will be sleeping on the couch with no hank panky for a week," Judy warned. Nick's eyes widened and he immediately recoiled his arm in horror at the prospect. "No sex? Like, at all?" he asked her. " _None!_ " Judy whispered harshly. "You win this time, Carrots," Nick said with a frown.

"Hey guys, did Dawn get the reports for-what's going on?" Benjamin Clawhauser asked as he walked over and saw Nick and Judy standing around Dawn's desk. Ben looked down and saw Dawn sleeping. "Aw, she's _adorable!_ " he whispered. "Come on, can we just get the papers from her desk?" Judy asked.

"We could, if she weren't drooling on them," Nick said. Judy looked down and saw that Dawn was indeed drooling on the papers that they needed. "We need those stock reports before the day is over. Can't we just, you know, lift her up?" Nick asked. "Maybe. Hey, Ben, can you-" "More, Judy, more!" Dawn said in her sleep.

Everyone looked at the sleeping ewe with astonishment on their faces. "D-Did... did she just... did she-" "Yes, Carrots. She's having a wet dream about you. Don't you just feel special, knowing that so many people like you?" Nick teased her. "And to think, I was going to ask you to marry me later today," Judy said with a huff.

She then realized what she had just blurted out... in front of Nick, Benjamin, and somehow both Martin Bogo and the CEO of Lionheart Incorporated, Leodore Lionheart himself. "Um... congratulations... Miss... Hopps, is it?" Leodore asked her. "Uh-huh," Judy mumbled, embarrassed, with a nod of her head.

"Lick me more, Queen Judy. Lick me faster!" Dawn mumbled in her sleep. "Um... are we gonna do something about that?" Ben asked, hiding his heartbreak. For the past several months, he'd had the biggest crush on Dawn Bellwether, and he'd now learned that she had the hots for another co-worker. "No. We're just going to record it and use it as blackmail for later," Nick said.

"Although, we should probably wake her up before she wets herself and the chair," Nick added as Dawn continued to babble in her sleep. "Hey, Dawny, wake up! I have ice cream!" Nick sang as he poked and prodded the sleeping sheep. "Bellwether, if you do not wake up right now, I shall force everyone in the company to refer to you as... _Smellwether!_ " Leodore said.  That didn't work either.

"Hey, I have an idea!" Judy announced. She then ran over to the elevator and descended down to the customer plaza section of the building, where a food court and various small stores where located. "I... don't think she's coming back up here. I'll go get her," Nick said as he made his way over to the other elevator and stepped inside.

Just then, Gary, a timber wolf who worked in accounting, came walking by. Everyone turned to look at him and saw part of his Spider-Wolf costume hanging out. "Okay, everyone pretend that you don't know that he's Spider-Wolf," Leodore whispered to his employees. Ben and Bogo nodded their heads. Just then, Dawn woke up and saw Gary walking past her.

"Oh, hi Gary. How's the-you're Spider-Wolf!?" she exclaimed in awe as she saw part of his costume hanging out. Gary's eyes widened and he looked around at his co-workers and boss in fear. "Uh, D-Dawn! What are you talking about!? That red and blue thing hanging from his outfit is clearly a rag or something!" Leodore said with a hearty laugh, elbowing Bogo.

"Uh, yes. Of... Of course," Bogo lied through his teeth. Gary smiled at his co-workers and walked away, sighing in relief at his close call. When he was out of earshot, Leodore and Bogo snickered. "When do you think he'll realize that we know he's Spider-Wolf?" Bogo asked Leodore. "Please, if he didn't figure it out right here and now, he'll never figure it out until we tell him. Straight to his face, in fact. And he'll still probably think we're talking about something else," Leodore replied before he and Bogo walked away.

"Oh, hi Ben. Can I help you with something?" Dawn asked him with a bright smile. "Uh, yeah. Can I have that report on last week's stocks?" Ben asked her. Dawn looked down and saw that her papers were covered in drool. "Uh... can I get those to you later?" she asked him sheepishly. "Sure. Oh, one more thing... Judy just proposed to Nick earlier," Ben said.

He could see Dawn's heart shatter into a million pieces, just as his own had. "Oh. That... that's great," Dawn said. "G-Good for her," she added, tears silently trailing down her cheek. "I know how you feel, Dawn," Ben said sadly. "You do?" Dawn asked him. "Yeah. I just found out that the girl I like... has feelings for someone else," Ben said forlornly.

"That's... sad," Dawn said. "Wanna... go get a drink later and drown our sorrows in beer and cheap, meaningless sex?" Ben asked her. "Sure!" Dawn said, her eyes lighting up. "Although, does it have to be cheap? I mean... that implies that there's a price on it, and I can tell you right now, all of the _good_ prostitutes charge by the hour," Dawn said.

"Well, I guess... if you want it for free... we could do it with each other," Ben suggested. Dawn looked him over. "Hmm... yeah, why not? We could both use it," Dawn said with a shrug. "Now, let me go redo this report. I think I may have misplaced a decimal point, and that could have disastrous results if I don't get it fixed," Dawn said.

"Sure thing, Dawn," Ben said. "I'll see you later." With that, both animals walked away from each other. " _Bucky and Pronk Antlerson! You are not supposed to make out in the supply closet! You do that in the **restroom!** Understand!?_ " Ben and Dawn heard the voice of Bogo shouting from the hallway. The cheetah and sheep both turned to look at each other before bursting out laughing.

**Fin**


	7. Rabbit Under Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Judy is declared the heiress to Mr. Big's criminal empire. Under intense pressure form both her own sense of justice and her desire to please others, Judy begins to break.

Zootopia One Shots by Anguirus1955

Disclaimer: Zootopia is owned by Disney. Personally, I think that this information is obvious, but for the sake of legal protection, I will state it anyway.

* * *

**Rabbit Under Pressure**

* * *

The funeral for Mr. Big was a quiet affair. Judy and Nick stood silently alongside Kevin and Raymond, and many other polar bears, shrews, mice, otters, and Mr. Renato Manchas, one of many limo drivers for the crime boss. In the back of his mind, Nick Wilde actually found it both funny and bizarre just how many otherwise law-abiding citizens were connected to the crime boss, especially his partner, Judy.

After driving home to their shared apartment, Nick and Judy sat on the couch. "Hey, Carrots, do you think Chief Bogo will put two and two together when he realizes that our requested day off coincides with the funeral of Mr. Big?" Nick asked his partner. "Maybe. We can always tell him that it was a coincidence," Judy said.

"Carrots, are you suggesting that we lie to Chief Bogo?" Nick asked in mock scandalization. "No, of course not. Just... I don't know. I mean, we weren't on the take from Mr. Big, so it isn't like he really had any control over us," Judy said. "We never ignored any crimes or looked the other way when dealing with something he was connected with," she continued.

"That's true," Nick said, nodding his head in agreement. "But, knowing that two of his officers have connections to a feared crime boss is going to make his head spin. Granted, I've known Mr. Big since before I joined the police, and I even told Bogo about the falling out caused the skunk butt rug. But you? I think that just may shatter poor Bogo's heart into millions of tiny pieces," Nick said.

Just as Judy was about to say something, her phone vibrated. "It's message from Fru Fru," Judy said. "Well, go ahead and read it," Nick implored. "We've been invited to the hearing of Mr. Big's final will and testament," Judy said. "Wait, what? Why would we get invited to that?" Nick asked her.

"Well, I am the godmother of Mr. Big's granddaughter," Judy said. "Yes, yes you are," Nick said as he rolled his eyes. "Should we keep the outfits on then?" Nick asked. "Probably. Come on, Fru Fru gave me the address. Let's grab your dingy jeep and go. It's in a few hours," Judy said.

"Hey, my jeep is not dingy," Nick said as they both made their way outside. "It's rusty. And old. And beautiful. And a piece of crap," Nick said as he climbed into the driver's seat. "Hey, I never asked this before, but did Finnick ever have connections to Mr. Big?" Judy asked. "None that I was aware of. He did a job with me for Mr. Big only once, otherwise he never went near him or said anything about him," Nick said.

"What kind of job?" Judy asked as Nick drove through traffic. "Um... it's a long story," Nick said nervously. "I think we have time," Judy said with a small smile. "Okay, but I'm warning you... you may not like what you're about to hear. Finnick did a lot of swearing throughout this job," Nick said with a grin as he drove onward.

* * *

"...And that's why Finnick and I don't drink grape soda anymore," Nick said as he pulled into the parking lot. He looked over at Judy, whose face had blanched with an open mouth in shock, disgust, and horror at his tale. "W-Why!? Why would ANYONE do that!?" Judy asked in disgust.

"Like I said, they were a bunch of sick freaks," Nick said with a shrug as he turned off the ignition. "Come on, pick up that jaw," Nick said as he gently grabbed Judy's lower jaw and lifted it upwards. "Come on," he said as he gave her a light peck on the lips, "We have a hearing to attend." "Right," Judy said as she undid her seat belt and got out of the jeep.

Nick followed the rabbit into the large building in front of them. After using the elevator to reach the third floor, both partners made their way over to the room where the reading of the will was being held. Stepping inside the room, the fox and the rabbit saw a polar bear, presumably Koslov, holding Fru Fru in his hands. There were three other chairs, with one of them being occupied by Emmitt Otterton.

"Mr. Otterton?" Judy asked as she sat down next to Nick. "Miss Hopps," Emmitt said. "Ahem," the middle-aged badger in a suit said to get everyone's attention. "Now, are we all here?" he asked. "I think so," Fru Fru said. "Very well," he said. " _In accordance with my final revised will and testimony, I bequeath my collection of antique coffee mugs, baseball bats, and a dry-cleaning bill to Nicholas Piberius Wilde._ " "Dry-cleaning bill?" Nick asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Let me re-read that part. Hmm, it definitely says dry-cleaning bill," the badger said after looking over the words. "Huh. I have a feeling this is his final retaliation for that skunk rug, isn't it?" Nick asked. "Probably. I'm sorry, Mr. Wilde," Fru Fru said apologetically. " _I bequeath my assortment of potted plants and plastic fruit to Raymond, one of my bodyguards. I also leave behind my book of practical jokes and PlayMammal magazines to Kevin, another bodyguard of mine._ "

" _I leave behind a set of air conditioning units and a large storage closet to my most trusted confidant and bodyguard, Koslov. I also leave to him my antique dishes and suits, as well as my music collection and media players._ " Koslov smiled humbly.

" _I leave my assortment of vintage sweaters and flower garden to Emmitt Otterton, who planted said garden at my request. I also leave a collection of grocery store coupons and various unpaid property taxes to my daughter's husband, whose name I have never cared to remember except on the day of my daughter's wedding._ "

" _I leave one hundred-thousand dollars, saved up from entirely legal sources, and half of my estate to my daughter, Fru Fru, and her husband and children. I leave behind my entire empire and other half of estate to Judy, who may take hold of it when the time is right._ " "What!?" Fru Fru asked. "Huh?" Judy Hopps asked in bewilderment. "There-There must be some kind of mistake. Surely he can't have been referring to me," Judy said. "It says Judy, and that is your name, is it not, Judy Hopps?" the badger asked. "W-Well, yes, but-" "Then the matter is settled," the badger said.

"Now, I'm hungry and I wish to go to home," the badger said before straightening out his tie and walking away. "Fru Fru, please, I don't know what's going on, but there must have been a mistake," Judy said pleadingly to the arctic shrew. "Come on, Carrots. We can figure things out when we get home," Nick said. "Or we could track down that badger and have him let us read the will to see if he messed up," Judy said.

The two cops left the room and search for the badger, checking every room and nook and cranny in the building. It was to no avail, however, as the badger was long gone. "I guess... we should go home," Judy said. "Fru Fru," she said as she turned to look at the small arctic shrew being carried in Koslov's paws, "I really am sorry. Is there any way to have this reversed, or changed?"

Fru Fru shook her head. "The only way is to find the will and see if there was a mistake in the will itself. Koslov and I will seek out the badger and demand that we be allowed to ready my father's will with our own eyes," Fru Fru said. "Can we, somehow, keep this secret until you can find the badger?" Judy asked her.

"I promise I will not tell anyone until then," Fru Fru said. "Thank you," Judy said. "Koslov, let us find that suit-wearing lawyer, or whatever his title is!" Fru Fru said with an air of authority. "Right away," Koslov said as he and Emmitt Otterton began to walk towards a long black limousine. In the driver's seat was Renato Manchas.

"Miss Fru Fru, shall we deliver Mr. Otterton to his home before embarking on our quest?" Koslov asked the shrew. "Yes. We need to keep this as quiet as we can and involve as few animals as possible," Fru Fru said. "Very well, Madam. Renato, take us to the home of Mr. Otterton, or to a location from which he can make his way there comfortably," Koslov said.

Judy and Nick watched as the limousine drive away from the parking lot. Judy sighed as Nick opened the doors of his jeep and climbed in. "Nick, do you think... what will change if I really am the heir to Mr. Big's empire? Can I still be a cop?" Judy asked somberly.

"You'd have to keep quiet about it. And... you could use the resources of the organization to help out with cases," Nick said in an attempt to cheer her up. "But... I don't want to be the head of a criminal organization. I don't want to be a crime boss! I want to make the world a better place, not run things from the shadows and hurt people!" Judy exclaimed.

"I know, Carrots. I know," Nick said as he drove them home. The two remained silent from that point until they arrived back at the apartment. As soon as they got inside, Judy began pacing around the kitchen. She didn't eat or drink anything, she simply walked back and forth past the counter several times.

"Uh, try not to make a rut," Nick commented as he grabbed a container of lemonade from the fridge and poured a glass for himself. "I can't help it. My whole life has just come crashing down on me, and the dream that I worked so hard to make come true is now about to be set on fire!" Judy replied.

"Come on, I'm sure things will work out," Nick said. "Nick! If this gets out at work, I could lose my job! WE could lose our jobs! We could get arrested, or thrown in prison! We might become fugitives! What will my parents think? What will the rest of my family think!? I'm doomed! You're doomed! WE'RE DOOMED!" Judy cried. Nick opened the fridge and grabbed a large carrot from a drawer before walking over to the wailing rabbit.

Nick sighed before cupping Judy's face to get her attention, and then shoving the carrot into her mouth, which she began chewing on like a small infant. Her eyes, still big and round and watery, focused solely on the carrot that was in her mouth. Nick found the sight to be adorable, as he had many times before, although in this particular instance it was marred by the context of the situation.

"Is bunny happy now?" he asked. Judy nodded her head while looking at him. "Is bunny gonna stop crying?" Nick asked her. Judy paused. Nick reached for the carrot and pulled it away from her. "Dooooooooomed! We're dooooooo-" he shoved the carrot back in her mouth. "Bad bunny rabbit," he admonished her. Judy's ears pressed themselves down and she began to chew on the carrot once more.

Once she was finished eating the carrot, Judy starting screaming again. "We're doomed! We're doomed! Our careers are over! We're doomed! Waahhhh! We're doomed!" "Can't you scream about something else?" Nick asked her. "Make me!" Judy exclaimed. "Okay. I accept your challenge," he said as he began taking off his clothes. Two hours later, Judy was fast asleep in their bed, cuddling her naked body against Nick's. "Good bunny rabbit," he said with a smirk before falling asleep.

* * *

Judy Hopps walked into the precinct nervously, noticing a lack of noise. Looking at the front desk, she couldn't see Clawhauser anywhere. "Clawhauser? Ben? Hello?" Judy asked, her voice echoing around the dark and foreboding lobby of the precinct. Since when had this place seemed scary to her?

"H-Hello?" she called out again. " ** _Hopps! In my office, now!_** " Chief Bogo's voice boomed over the speakers. Judy quickly made her way over to the elevator and ascended to the second floor. When she got off, she saw that the hallways were empty, devoid of life, and bereft of any police officers except herself. Judy gulped in fear as she slowly made her way down the hallway until she stopped in front of Chief Bogo's office.

She knocked on the door. "Enter," she heard him say. His voice sounded so much more intimidating than normal. Judy was almost afraid to enter his office. "I said enter!" Bogo insisted gruffly, causing Judy to flinch before opening the door and entering the office.

She looked around and saw several of her fellow officers, all looking at her with frowns on their faces. Even Clawhauser was frowning. "Judy Hopps, take a seat," Bogo said firmly. "I-I can stand, sir. It's no big-" " **I SAID TAKE A SEAT!** " Bogo roared at her. Staring at him with wide eyes, Judy climbed into an empty chair.

"You w-wanted to see me?" Judy asked, her nose twitching as she studied her angrier than normal superior. "Officer Judy Hopps, please explain to me how you became a crime boss yesterday," Bogo said. "W-What? What are you talking abou-" "Don't lie to me, Hopps. I can smell your lies. I can smell your fear. You reek of both," Bogo said as he narrowed his eyes at her. "P-Please, sir, let me explain!" Judy begged.

"I just told you to do that," Bogo said. "Oh yeah, you did," Judy said. "See, I was invited to Mr. Big's funeral yesterday, and then to the hearing of his will, along with his daughter and bodyguard," Judy said, tears threatening to pour out of her eyes. Chief Bogo's face scrunched up in anger, even more so than usual, and he glared at Judy.

"I-I was named his successor, but I'm sure that was an ac-" " **SILENCE!** I've heard enough! I knew it, Hopps," Bogo said with a sneer. "What?" Judy asked him fearfully. "I knew it, all along, that you were in cahoots with that shrew. There was no other way you could've solved the Night Howler case without his help," Bogo said as he stepped around his desk and stood in front of Judy, glaring at her intensely.

"Your badge, now," he demanded as he held out a hoof. "No. Please, no," Judy begged as Bogo reached forward and took the badge off of Judy's uniform. "Please!" Judy begged. "Now, the rest of the outfit. You don't deserve to wear that uniform," Bogo said, his voice sounded almost British for a few seconds*.

Several officers ganged up on Judy and removed the uniform, leaving a blanket on her to cover herself. "Now, Clawhauser, use your sticky frosting-covered paws to give Judy Hopps her new uniform, one that's more appropriate to someone of her status," Bogo ordered. "Yes Sir!" Clawhauser said as he retrieved an orange prison jumpsuit.

"No. Please, Chief! Don't do this!" Judy begged as Clawhauser placed her in a rabbit-sized orange jump suit. "Now, put the tiny cuffs on her," Bogo said. "The tiny ones for rodents, or the smaller than usual ones for completely evil children who urinate on other animals' feet and talk in the movie theater?" Clawhauser asked him. "The latter," Bogo said.

Clawhauser nodded and retrieve a pair of paw cuffs, adorned with the word cute stenciled on them, before placing them around Judy's struggled wrists. "No! Someone, anyone! Nick! Finnick! Someone!" Judy cried out. "Ha. Ha. Ha," Bogo said. "Wilde can't help you, Hopps. We've already removed that scumbag from our midst," Bogo informed her.

"No! Please, Chief, don't do this!" Judy cried. "I have to. It's the law," Bogo said. "Law," everyone else repeated. "Don't do that!" Bogo snapped at his subordinates. "Now, for the trial of **JUSTICE!** " Bogo shouted. He walked over and opened a door, shoving Judy through it and sending her into a courtroom.

Judy looked out into the witness stands and saw her siblings and parents, all watching her with disappointment written on their faces. They were also wearing expressions of disappointment as well. "Judith Hopps, former officer of the Zootopia Police Department," the judge, a large grizzly bear, stated, "You have been placed under arrest for charges of corruption, stealing Clawhauser's donuts last Tuesday, association with a known criminal, and engaging in an interspecies relationship with a fox! How do you plead?"

"Not guilt, except for the donuts. I did steal those," Judy said. A lawyer, a small bat with the voice of Adam West, named Batholomew West, cleared his throat. "Your honor, it is quite clear that my client has allowed her cuteness and power to go to her head! I implore the males and females of the jury to find her not guilty on the basis of insanity," Batholomew West said.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, what is your verdict?" the judge asked them. "We find the defendant... guilty on all counts, except the donuts. It is quite obvious that Chief Bogo stole them and blamed Hopps for it," a white-tail deer said. "I, too, find the defendant GUILTY!" the judge announced.

Judy heard her mother crying and turned to look at her. "We're so... ashamed of you! How could you do this!?" Bonnie asked her daughter. "Now look what you've done, Jude! You made your mother cry by bein' a criminal!" Stu Hopps exclaimed. "B-But, Mom! Dad, I-" "We have no daughter. Especially not one like you," Stu hissed at her. "Where did we go wrong!?" Bonnie cried into Stu's shoulders.

Judy then found herself being grabbed by a large elephant's trunk and thrown into a small cage, which was then taken out of the courtroom and loaded into a van. In several cages next to her were other criminals, including a black and white cat with the name Sylvester stenciled on his jumpsuit, another rabbit with the name Bugs on his, a small mouse with the name Jerry on his jumpsuit, and a grey and white cat with the name Tom stenciled on his. In the cage right next to hers was Nick.

"Nick, I'm so sorry!" Judy cried out. Nick merely sighed. After a few minutes of traveling, they arrived at the prison. The guard opened the doors and retrieved the cages. As the cages were loaded onto a rail system, they were then transported through the prison, where Judy saw Dawn Bellwether and Leodore Lionheart being forced to knit quilts for old animals who would never use them, a panda bear security guard picking his nose, three hyena's playing cards, dozens of foxes who claimed to be innocent, a strange pale-skinned animal with orange hair and the name Keef stenciled on his uniform smiling, and a small pig making webs out of glue.

Soon, the cages arrived at their destination. They were in a large room with a circular pit in the center. A prison guard, a hyena, walked forward. "For the various and horrible crimes that all of you have committed, you have all been sentenced to one hundred years... frozen in carbonite!" the hyena announced.

"Eh, it could be woise," the rabbit named Bugs said. "You! You shall be frozen first!" the hyena snapped. "Oops," Bugs said as he was hauled out of his cage. "Wait, I'm innocent! Innocent I tell ya!" he cried. "Stow it. We know that you killed Mr. Daft," the hyena guard said. "I didn't kill the duck, I swear!" Bugs cried before being strapped to a pole and lowered into the pit. A large cover was then placed over the hole and a hiss of steam escaped after a flash of light was produced.

A large carbonite block was then raised up, showing Bugs blocking his face. "I thought he was tied up. How did his paws get up there?" the hyena asked. "One of life's greatest mysteries, I'm sure," Nick said. "YOU! You will go next!" the hyena shouted. Nick gulped.

As Nick was dragged out of his cage and forced to walk over to the chamber, he looked over at Judy. "Nick... I love you," she said. Nick looked at her as he was tied to the pole. "I know," he replied before being lowered into the pit. "No! No!" Judy cried out as Nick was flash frozen.

"Hey, don't worry! You'll get your chance!" the hyena said as the carbonite block was raised, showing Nick striking a pose. "How do they keep doing that!?" the hyena asked in bafflement.

Judy began to cry, until she saw the mouth on the block move. "Carrots, I need you to do one thing for me, okay?" Carbonite Nick asked her. "Yes?" Judy asked. "I need you to wake up," he said. "Huh?" Judy asked him. "Wake up. I made pancakes! Come on, they have blueberries!"

* * *

Judy opened her eyes to see Nick hovering over her. "Hey, you awake now?" Nick asked her with a smirk. Judy jumped up and clung to him. "Hey, what's wrong?" Nick asked her as she began to sob into his chest. Nick put his arms around her and began to gently rub her back.

* * *

As the duo walked to the precinct that morning, Judy felt her phone vibrate. Taking it out of her pocket, she saw that it was Fru Fru who was calling her. "Hello?" Judy asked. " _Judy! Judy, guess what we found!_ " Fru Fru exclaimed. "What did you find?" Judy asked her. " _The badger who read the will out loud was a fraud! He was actually someone who you locked up a few years back. He managed to escape from prison and stole the identity of another lawyer. My father's will actually lists my daughter, who I named after you, as the heir to his empire!_ " Fru Fru explained.

Judy felt an enormous weight lift off of her chest. " _The badger deliberately read that part of the will as vaguely as possible! I'd already told my dad that I didn't want to be part of his empire, so he named my daughter in my stead! Actually, that kind of sucks, now that I think about it. Oh dear,_ " Fru Fru said.

"Um... well, thank you. Thank you so much," Judy said with a smile as she felt tears of joy beginning to form. "I'm at the precinct, I gotta go," Judy said to Fru Fru. " _Okay, talk later, bye!_ " Fru Fru said before the call ended. Nick smiled at Judy. "I told you everything would work out," he said. "Not quite. There's still one thing left for me to do," Judy said. "Oh?" Nick asked as Judy walked up to the front desk.

"Uh, Clawhauser, can I speak to you for a minute?" Judy asked. "Huh? Oh, sure!" Clawhauser said. "Um, Clawhauser, I have a confession to make," Judy said. "You didn't actually listen to Gazelle's newest single, did you?" Clawhauser asked. "Um, yes, I did. I wanted to say something else," Judy said.

"Okay." Judy took a deep breath and looked the cheetah straight in the eyes. "Clawhauser, Chief Bogo is the one who stole your donuts last Tuesday," Judy said. "I know," Clawhauser said with a sigh, "I saw it on the security tapes." "I'm so sorry," Judy said. "It's okay. I have plenty more boxes of donuts. And besides, those were part of a Buy Two Get One Free special," he said. "But, Judy... thank you for telling me the truth anyway," Clawhauser said.

Judy then returned to Nick's side. "Ready for another day, partner?" Nick asked her. "Am I ready? Yes, yes I am," Judy said with a smile as she and Nick clocked in and got ready to make the world a better place.

**Fin.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This was a reference to Star Trek: The Next Generation. Specifically, when Picard tells Wesley that he doesn't deserve to wear the Starfleet uniform.


	8. Zoo Park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever wondered what a Zootopia story done in the style of South Park would be like? Well, I think this could be a good example.

Disclaimer: Zootopia is owned by Disney. Personally, I think that this information is obvious, but for the sake of legal protection, I will state it anyway.

* * *

**Zoo Park  
**

* * *

_Goin' down to Zoo Park, gonna have myself a time!_  
  
_Friendly faces everywhere! Humble animals without temptation!_  
  
_Goin' down to Zoo Park, gonna see if I can't unwind!_  
  
_Ample parking day or night! Animals shouting, "Howdy Neighbor!"_  
  
_Goin' down down to Zoo Park, gonna see some friends o' mine!_

* * *

Judy Hopps looked around the hallways of Zoo Park Elementary School nervously. She was wondering just how her friends would take the news she had. "This is bad, this is very bad," she muttered under her breath. She opened the door to the classroom and saw her boyfriend, Nick Wilde, sitting at his desk and having an argument with Gideon Grey.

"Of course we can make money that way," Nick said. "Yeah, but my way will make more!" Gideon retorted. "Um, guys?" Judy asked nervously as she sat next to Nick. "Huh? Oh, what's up, Carrots?" Nick asked her. "You know that name is kind of racist," Gideon pointed out.

Nick and Judy both stared at him, conceding that while he may have a point, it wasn't that big of a deal at the moment. "We have a problem," Judy said. "What kind of problem?" Gideon asked her. Judy took a deep breath before answering. "Our teacher is dead," Judy said. Nick and Gideon both stared at her.

"Um... okay. Teachers are a dime a dozen around here, though," Gideon replied. "Yeah, but I think that we may have been responsible for it," Judy said. "What makes you say that?" Nick asked her. "Well, last night the police were at her house, and I overheard them saying some about about Sea Men being on her mouth and inside of her! She must've swallowed them and choked on them!" Judy whispered harshly.

"No way! Miss Suksondik is dead from our Sea Men?" Gideon asked in horror. "Yes! And we'll all be in big trouble if anyone finds out they belonged to us!" Judy whispered harshly in reply. The two foxes gulped while staring at the rabbit. "We are so dead," Nick said under his breath. Just then, the fourth member of their little group, Duke Weasleton, entered the room.

"Duke, Duke! We're in big trouble!" Nick said. "Wait, why?" Duke asked. "Miss-" "Okay, settle down, young ones," their math teacher, Mr. Clawhauser said as he entered the classroom. "Okay, now I'm not sure how to break this to you, but... your homeroom teacher, Miss Suksondik-" All of the children now laughed at the name of the dead cougar. "-Is dead."

* * *

"Oh man, what do we do? What do we do?" Gideon asked nervously as they entered the cafeteria. "Hey, we can ask Bogo!" Judy said. The former police chief turned chef was usually a source of hope for the young animals, and they always went to him for guidance. "Hello, children," Chef Bogo said. "Hi, Bogo," they said.

"Is something wrong?" "Well... can we talk to you about it... after school?" Judy asked him, her eyes big and round and full of hope. "Let me flip a coin to see if I care," Bogo said. He took a coin out of his pocket and flipped it. "Well, today's your lucky day," Chef Bogo said, before he served them each portions of macaroni & cheese or a slice of pizza and an apple.

"So," Nick began as they sat down at a table, "What do we do?" "What do you mean we? You bought the Sea Men," Duke said. "Wait, how did Miss Suksondik get our Sea Men anyway?" Gideon asked curiously. "Hey, that's a good question," Nick said. "Like that'll help. They still found our Sea Men inside her," Judy said.

"Wait, how do we know that it was our Sea Men and not someone else's?" Gideon asked. The others turned to look at him. "What?" Gideon asked them. "Maybe we can prove that someone else did it, but how?" Judy asked. "We could... _blame_ someone else if anyone asks us," Duke suggested. "No! That's dishonest!" Judy snapped. "Well, we're in a real pickle now," Nick said with a sigh.

* * *

Later that night, hours after school was over, Bogo was relaxing on his couch when he heard knocking on his front door. "What the-oh, right," he said as he got up and walked over to the door. He opened up and let the four young animals inside. "So, what is it that you wanted to talk about?" Bogo asked them as they stood in front of him.

"Well, it's about our teacher's death," Nick said. "I see. You must be taking that pretty hard," Bogo said. "Well, not really," Duke said. Bogo raised an eyebrow. "In any case, death is a natural part of life, and while it sometimes happens too soon for some of us, it does happen to all of us... eventually. I know that can sound... scary, especially to youngsters such as yourselves, but hearing this now will make things easier for you in the future," Bogo said as calmly as he could.

"Uh, thanks, Bogo. But, that isn't really what we need to talk to you about," Judy said. "Um... okay, I'm listening," Bogo said cautiously. "See, the police found our Sea Men in our Miss Suksondik's stomach and on her face. How do we prove that we aren't directly responsible?" Judy asked him.

Bogo stared at them, wide-eyed in shock. A minute later, he pushed all four children out of his house. "Good bye, children!" he said before closing the door. "Well, he wasn't very helpful," Nick said. "Maybe we could ask your stepfather, Finnick, to help us," Duke said. "I don't think that's such a good idea," Nick said.

"What about _your_ parents, Judy?" Gideon asked. "I'm not sure. Something like this might make them ground me until I'm an adult," Judy said nervously. "We could... we could turn ourselves in. They might make it easy on us since we're just children," Gideon said. "Maybe. It's the honest thing to do," Judy said. "N-No! I-I can't go to jail! I don't wanna go!" Duke cried out.

"But Duke, this could be the only way to avoid jail! Think about it!" Judy exclaimed as Duke backed up and stepped onto the road. "No! No way, no fucking way! I ain't-" **BAM!** A large semi-truck ran over Duke Weaselton. Soon, all that was left of him was his flattened and bloodied body, half of which was a smear on the road. "Oh my god! They killed Duke!" Nick exclaimed in horror. "You bastards!" Judy cried out.

"So... are we still doing that whole turning ourselves in thing?" Gideon asked. "Huh? Oh, yeah. Come on, let's go do it," Judy said as she lead the two foxes away from their friend's corpse and towards the police station. Walking inside the front doors, Judy cleared her throat. "Ahem," she said to the large polar bear at the front desk.

"O-Officer Kevin? Um, can-can we p-please speak with Ch-Chief Big?" Judy asked, trembling. Kevin looked at the rabbit and then at the two foxes. "Have they done something to you?" he asked her. "What? N-No! No, this is something that the four-I mean, three of us are responsible for," Judy said. "Four? Where's the fourth animal?" Kevin asked her.

"Duke got run over by a truck," Nick said with a frown. "Weaselton?" Kevin asked. "Nick nodded. "I'm so sorry to hear that. Don't worry. One day, we'll get those bastards," Kevin said firmly. "Thank you, but we really need to speak with Chief Big," Gideon said. "Can I ask what this is about?" Kevin asked them.

"It's about our dead teacher, Miss Suksondik," Gideon said. Two animals sitting in the waiting area snickered at the dead cougar's name. "I'll put you right through," Kevin said as he called Chief Big. "Chief, we have three children here to see you. They want to talk to you about their dead teacher. The cougar," Kevin said. Kevin nodded after a minute.

"Okay. I'll send them right on in," Kevin said before hanging up. "You can head on back," Kevin said. "I'm sure that you know the way," Kevin said, looking at Nick. "Yes, I do," Nick admitted shamefully as he lead the other two animals into the back area.

They opened the door and saw Chief Big standing on a desk, with an elephant officer handling some calls, a tiger typing something up on a computer, and another polar bear talking with a wolf. "Um, excuse me, but, Chief Big?" Nick asked. "Ah, young Wilde. What can we help you with tonight?" Chief Big, a tiny arctic shrew, asked the young fox. "Well, we all have a confession to make," Nick said.

"Save it, I know that you deliberately set fire to that skunk rug that my Grandmama gave you, but I understand. It was, after all, made from a skunk's butt," Chief Big said. "Uh... okay, but that isn't what we're here to talk to you about," Nick said. "Okay, what is this pressing news that you wish to give me?" Chief Big asked.

"It's about our dead teacher, Miss Suksondik." Some of the officer's snickered. "The Sea Men that you found in her stomach... those were ours," Judy said. The office went silent. "Um... what?" Officer Fangmeyer, the wolf, asked. "Those were our Sea Men that you found inside her, and we don't know how she got them out of Judy's fish tank, but... could we have them back?" Gideon asked.

The office was still silent, until Chief Big sighed. "I believe... there has been a misunderstanding here," he said. "Huh?" Judy asked him. "Children, do you understand how procreation works?" Chief Big asked them. "Pro...creation?" Nick asked. "Sex. Do you understand how sex works?" Big asked again.

"Sure. That's just a fact of life," Gideon said. "Right, well... it wasn't a bunch of tiny Sea Men that were found inside of Miss Suksondik's body, but a substance that the male body produces during intercourse that impregnates the female," Big explained. "Ohhhhhhh," the three children said in unison.

"And we just learned about that last week!" Gideon said, slapping his face with his paw. "I feel so stupid," Judy said. "So... we're cool about the rug?" Nick asked Chief Big. "Yes, Nicky. My Grandmama still believes that it was an accident, but don't do it again. Next time, you'd be better off selling it to a crime boss, who could then wrap it around their enemies and suffocate them with the stink," Big said.

"Um... thank you," Nick said. "All right. Someone get me Captain McHorn on the line. And where's officer Grizzoli? I still need that report on the missing laptops from that computer store," Big said. The three children made their way out of the room, just before Officer Selleck, a tiger, entered the room. "I found the perp. The DNA of the semen belongs to Benjamin Clawhauser, a teacher at the elementary school," he announced excitedly.

* * *

The next day, at school, the three surviving children had told Chef Bogo about the misunderstanding. He nodded in understanding of their predicament, and then told them to make sure that they gather facts before making rash judgements. After school was over, the three kits went to Judy's house. Upon entering Judy's room, there was a faint smell of smoke in the air. They wandered around the room for a bit until Judy stopped in front of her fish tank.

"Oh, dude!" Judy exclaimed as she looked in her fish tank. "What is it?" Nick asked her as he and Gideon ran over. Judy pointed to the remains of crumbled architecture and blast marks, along with destroyed miniature buildings and tiny skeletons. "Look! The Sea Men wiped out their tiny civilization over night!" Judy exclaimed. "Wow, just like the ancient primates of thousands of years ago did," Gideon said.

"Hey... did we ever find out who drove the truck that killed Duke?" Nick asked them. "Uh, no, we didn't," Judy said. "Aw, man, we should've reported that to Chief Big," Gideon said.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, on the highway, a large semi truck kept moving before pulling into a gas station. "I'll fill up the tank. You go use the restroom, Dawn," Leodore Lionheart said to his partner, Dawn Bellwether. "Don't set yourself on fire," Dawn said as she jumped out of the truck and walked over to the rest room.

Leodore sniffed the tires of the truck. "Huh, did we hit something?" he wondered out loud. He looked at the red stain of something on the undercarriage. "Uh... oops. If Dawn finds it, I'll just tell her that it happened while _I_ was driving this time. No use letting her beat herself up over another accidental hit and run," Leodore said to himself before he began to process of filling up the gas tank.

Fin.


	9. The First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's always a first time for everything, and sometimes, your parents will give you advice.

Disclaimer: Zootopia is owned by Disney. Personally, I think that this information is obvious, but for the sake of legal protection, I will state it anyway.

* * *

**The First Time**

* * *

A teenage Judith Laverne Hopps, around fifteen years of age, was sitting at the kitchen table with her parents, or at least her mother. "Now, Judy, I know that the first time can be an overwhelming experience, but everybody has to go through it at some point," Bonnie Hopps said in a calming manner. "But... I don't know if I'm ready for that yet," Judy said quietly.

"Oh, honey. It's okay if you aren't ready yet. Everyone's first time happens differently and at different points in their lives from one another," Bonnie said reassuringly. "Yeah, I remember my first time," Stu Hopps said from where he was standing at the counter.

"It almost ended it disaster," he added with an embarrassed chuckle. "Is everyone's first time almost disastrous?" Judy asked her mother timidly. For all of her outgoing and eager determination, there were still a few things that Judy Hopps felt... apprehensive towards.

"Just remember, honey, _don't_ close your eyes," Bonnie said with a smile. "Once it's all over, you'll know that you can do it again if it doesn't work out," Bonnie said. "Unless they want nothing to do with you afterwards and you have go find someone else," Stu said, this time without a chuckle.

"And remember... if you want your father and I to watch you, we can do that for you," Bonnie said. "Yeah. I know that my pop watched me during my first time, although... he did give me absolutely terrible advice, come to think of it," Stu said. "Yes, and my parents watched me as well. Of course, they kept their mouths shut and simply smiled as they watched," Bonnie said. "So... you'll watch me? What about my second or third times? Will you watch me then as well?" Judy asked nervously. "If you want, then we can and will," Bonnie said with a reassuring smile.

"So, with that out of the way, when do you want to start practicing for your driver's license?" Stu asked his daughter. "Well, I guess sometime in the next couple of months," Judy said, her nervousness now gone. "Great! We can practice with my truck," Stu said with a smile.

"Yes. But, now that we have _that_ also out of the way, I think it's time that we talk to you about something else that's very important," Bonnie said. "Yeah, Mom?" Judy asked her mother. "Judy, I think it's time that we talked about sex."

* * *

 

**In The Wilde House, Some Years Earlier...  
**

Nick Wilde sat on the couch in the living room, looking at his mother with wide eyes.  "And so the boy puts his penis inside the girl's vagina.  Then, the girl acts like _she_ owns that penis," Mrs. Wilde said with a smile.  "I thought we were gonna talk about when I start practicing for my drivers license," Nick said.  "We'll get to that another time.  Right now, you need to learn about the facts of life, which predate motor vehicles and forms and tests.  Right now, Nicholas, we're talking about _sex!_ " Mrs. Wilde announced, causing her son to shrink away from her.  "See, first you have to make sure that the girl is comfortable, and feels safe and secure.  Then, you have to get her warmed up.  You do this by..."

* * *

 

**The Wilde Household, Decades Later...**

Nick and Judy sat down at the table with their daughter and son.  "You see, mother and father, males have a characteristic sex organ that must be inserted into the female so that their genetic material may make contact and begin the process of conception, which will lead to gestation," Victoria Wilde said.  "Um, Vicky?  We were going to talk to you about practicing for your driver's license this-" "I'm not finished," Victoria said, interrupting her father.  "I'm bored," Ben said.  "Can we talk about the driver's license thing instead?" Ben asked.  "Not yet.  We must make sure that our parents are educated properly.  Adults are often out of touch with the youth," Victoria said.  "The first time giving them the talk... and this is what happens," Nick muttered to himself.  Judy simply rolled her eyes at her husband's reaction to their situation as Victoria continued speaking.  "Vicky, we _know_ how sex works.  How do you think we made you and Ben?" Judy asked her daughter.  "I... I was just making sure that you... remembered," Victoria replied.

"So... can we talk about the first time we apply for a job, or take a test for our driver's license?  Something that instinct won't be able to guide us on?" Ben asked.  "I've got one," Nick said.  "Let's talk about the first time that you ever give your own offspring The Talk. First, make sure that their mouths are tied shut so that you can talk to them without interruption," Nick said with a wry smile.  Judy chuckled and Victoria merely glared at him.  "Second... make sure to say plenty of words and phrases that embarrass the shit out of them.  Third... bribe them with pizza or blueberries to make them behave."

Fin.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes: You all thought that the segment was entirely about sex, didn't you?


	10. Officer McHorn's Bad Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uh... McHorn has a really bad day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first alternate ending is inspired by the ending of the movie Penn & Teller Get Killed (1989).

Zootopia One Shots by Anguirus1955

Disclaimer: Zootopia is owned by Disney. Personally, I think that this information is obvious, but for the sake of legal protection, I will state it anyway.

* * *

**Officer McHorn's Bad Day**

* * *

It had been an accident. Really, it was. McHorn hadn't done it on purpose, but he also didn't expect anyone to forgive him either. He should have paid attention to his surroundings. If only he had paid more attention to where he was going, then maybe it could've been avoided.

The day had started out simple enough for McHorn as he woke up and got out of bed. His wife kissed him on the cheek before he walked out of the house and made his way over to his car, where he was waved to by his neighbor, a glasses-wearing Grizzly bear who sold propane and propane accessories. McHorn got into his car and drove to the station's parking lot before getting out and heading inside the main lobby, where he greeted Clawhauser before making his way to the bathroom. He noticed inside that some modifications had been made recently, such as the additional toilet seats for smaller animals, so that the large toilets could be kept intact without the need for building a whole new set of plumbing.

Of course, despite being awake enough to drive, McHorn still felt a bit tired, and not entirely aware of his surroundings as he washed his hands and exited the restroom. He quietly made his way into the briefing room, where most of his comrades were up and about, talking and gossiping amongst each other. McHorn even heard Hopps and Wilde speaking, completely engrossed in their conversation as he made his way to his seat.

As he sat down, keeping his eyes on the board, McHorn had the very strange sensation that his usual seat was a bit further away from the door than usual. He paid that no mind, although he did eventually hear a strange series of yelps and squeals before the entire room quieted down as Chief Bogo entered the room. As the Chief started speaking, McHorn couldn't help but feel something odd underneath him. His pants felt a little moist for some reason, but he didn't pay it much mind.

It was only when he realized how quiet the room had become that he noticed everyone's attention was fixed on him. "What's everyone looking at?" McHorn asked. Officer Johnson pointed down at his seat. McHorn looked down and saw a small furry red arm sticking out from under his butt. McHorn's eyes widened as he took in a breath and slowly sat up.

"No, please. Not again," McHorn whispered as he slowly got up and looked at his seat. Everyone in the room covered their faces and had looks of shock and horror. Even Chief Bogo seemed disturbed and unnerved. "Oh no," McHorn whispered to himself as he saw the crushed and flattened bodies of Judy Hopps and Nick Wilde.

"I-I killed them!" McHorn gasped in horror. "I sat on them!" he cried out. Bogo slowly walked forward and saluted the crushed bodies of his two officers. "What have I done!?" McHorn asked himself in agony. "You killed two of our most promising officers... by complete accident," Fangmeyer said. "This is the twentieth worst thing that I've ever done," McHorn said with a sob. The entire precinct became silent that day, and McHorn had never felt more terrible in his entire life, except for the other nineteen times he'd accidentally sat on and killed one or two of his fellow police officers.

Fin

* * *

Author's Note: You know... I've just realized that this story could end slightly differently... and a little bit darker as well.

* * *

** Alternate Ending: Nick And Judy Get Killed  
**

"I-I killed them!" McHorn gasped in horror. "I sat on them!" he cried out. Bogo slowly walked forward and saluted the crushed bodies of his two officers. "What have I done!?" McHorn asked himself in agony. "You killed two of our most promising officers... by complete accident," Fangmeyer said. "This is the twentieth worst thing that I've ever done," McHorn said with a sob. "I... I can't do this. I can't go on after killing more of my fellow officers like this without penance," McHorn said as he reached down to his holster.

"McHorn, we all make mistakes," Chief Bogo said sympathetically. "So? This is the twentieth time that I've made this mistake. The _ **twentieth!**_ I-I don't deserve to live," McHorn said with a sob as he pulled out his sidearm and aimed it at his head. "McHorn, no!" Fangmeyer called out. McHorn pulled the trigger and splattered his brains all over the room. Fangmeyer gasped and collapsed onto her knees. "Oh dear god, why!?" she cried out.

"I... I can't deal with this," Fangmeyer said as she pulled out her sidearm. "Fangmeyer, stop!" Bogo ordered. "No! I-I can't! This is too much! I've seen too many deaths and other horrible things! I can't go on like this!" the tigress exclaimed just before she too blew her own brains out. "No!" Francine called out in horror. "No... why?" she asked as she curled up into a large ball and began to cry. "Why does this keep happening? Every three years, this kind of thing keeps happening! I can't take it!" Francine cried out as she twisted her trunk around her neck and tugged hard, killing herself and falling over, crushing two of her fellow officers to death by accident.

"So much death," Officer Johnson, a polar bear, said with sorrow. He shook his head in his paws. "What kind of world are we living in?" he asked himself as he slowly drew his service pistol from its holster. "Now wait just a minute!" Bogo yelled at him. "I can't, Chief! It's too much. I can't work like this! I can't live like this! It's... it's just too much!" Johnson cried as he placed the barrel of his gun in his mouth and squeezed the trigger. His brains splattered against Officer Anderson, a tiger, behind him.

"Oh my god," Anderson said in horror. "If anyone comes in here... I'm a predator... covered in blood. Everyone will think that I did it. There's no way I'll get a fair trial! I won't last in prison!" he cried as he pulled out his gun and shot himself in the heart. Bogo watched with bile fascination as his briefing room was soon shrunk down to just him and Officer Woolerthon, a ram. Woolerthon pulled out his pistol and aimed it at his head. "Wait, you don't have to do this!" Bogo called out to the ram. "But sir, everyone else is doing it," Woolerthon said before blowing his brains out.

"Dear Mickey, my lord and savior, please forgive me, for I cannot handle such trauma," Bogo said as he prayed before pulling out his service pistol and placing it in his mouth. He blew his brains out and splattered them against the wall behind him as he slumped over onto his desk, his gun falling to the floor. A few minutes later, Benjamin Clawhauser entered the briefing room, followed by Grizzoli. "I'm sure they'll under... oh em gee. What happened in here?" Clawhauser asked in shock as he saw the dead bodies of his fellow officers in the room.

"I... I can't take this," Grizzoli said as he slumped down against the doorway. "Clawhauser, I can't do it. I can't go on like this, knowing that my friends, my _family_ , have died like this," Grizzoli said tearfully. He then pulled out his gun and placed it in his mouth. Clawhauser watched with wide eyes as Grizzoli's brains soon painted the doorway and floor behind the bear's body.

Clawhauser slumped against the opposite side of the doorway and held his head in his paws. "What kind of world is this? Why even bother going on? My girlfriend's cheating on me and thinks I don't know about it, and I know the kid ain't mine. My family never speaks to me. My favorite brand of donuts has been discontinued. And Gazelle just announced that she's retiring. What's the point?" he asked as he pulled out his sidearm and placed it in his mouth. He heard a click after squeezing the trigger. "Dammit," he muttered. He then looked across the room and saw Chief Bogo's gun lying on the floor.

A few minutes later, a final shot rang out from inside the precinct, and the city was without its finest. Soon, all of Zootopia fell in chaos and discord, and eventually its residents collapsed into a destructive frenzy. All because officer McHorn didn't look before sitting in his seat. The bastard.

Fin

* * *

**Alternate Alternate Ending**

"A few minutes later, a final shot rang out from inside the precinct, and the city was without its finest. Soon, all of Zootopia fell in chaos and discord, and eventually its residents collapsed into a destructive frenzy. All because officer McHorn didn't look before sitting in his seat," Victoria Wilde said to her young full-rabbit cousins as they sat on the bed in rapt attention. Their big bunny eyes were wide, their ears flattened, and their noses twitching as their mouths hung open in shock. Victoria's story had warped their fragile little minds and shocked them to the core. "So remember, always look before you sit down on something, especially if it's a toilet or a chair where someone's tail happens to be resting," Victoria said with a vengeful smile on her face.

Fin


	11. Finnick's Weird Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finnick meets some strangers who don't seem like they're from Zootopia... or Earth.

Disclaimer: Zootopia is owned by Disney. Personally, I think that this information is obvious, but for the sake of legal protection, I will state it anyway.

* * *

**Finnick's Weird Day**

* * *

Finnick's day had started off normally enough. He had woken up to the sound of his alarm clock, rolled out of his sleeping bag, and had cleaned his mouth with his travel kit in his van before finding a place with a bathroom after his whole body had woken up. He had begun plotting out the day's hustle, not wanting to use the same hustle as the day prior in order to avoid suspicion, and had counted how much money he had in order to get the necessary supplies.

He was just getting ready to drive to his first destination when he heard a strange sound outside. Opening the van doors, he stepped out and looked around, seeing two strange-looking animals, with antlers made of twigs attached to their heads. They were tall, and bony thin, with no hair or fur on them at all. They had weird masks on their faces, with cutouts where the mouths and eyes would be located.

Looking up into the sky, Finnick saw the weirdest thing ever. He saw a giant Blue Whale hovering in the sky. "The hell?" he asked rhetorically at the sight. He then heard the whispers of the strange animals in front of him.

"Okay, what's going on here?" Finnick asked, annoyed. "He's onto us! Get the bag!" the taller one gasped. "Right!" the other one complied before grabbing a large burlap sack and throwing it over Finnick. Finnick then lifted the rim of the sack up and glared at the two creatures. "It didn't work! He's too powerful!" one of them exclaimed in terror.

"Quickly! Use the freeze gun!" the other one said. The second one then produced a strange looking gun and fired several blue rings at Finnick, which then encircled him. "Hey, what is this!?" Finnick asked. "It works! Excellent! Now, to take him aboard our mighty vessel of research!" the first creature said as they threw the burlap sack back over Finnick.

* * *

Finnick fell out of the sack and onto a cool metal surface with a wince and a grimace. "Ouch," he muttered as he stood up and looked around. "What the... where am I?" he asked. "Youuuuu... are inside our mighty advanced space ship!" one of the creatures said. Both animals removed the masks and the twigs from their heads, showing creatures with muzzles shorter than that of a rabbit. "Whoa..." Finnick whispered.

"Are-Are you guys... aliens?" Finnick asked. "Huh?" the one with blue eyes asked. Both aliens had two digits on each paw, or hand, and a slight bio-mechanical look to them, along with digitigrade legs. "Don't get confused! Don't let it trick you!" the one with green eyes exclaimed. "Oh right!" Blue replied.

"Now, we will begin our experiment... on the EARTH ELEPHANT!" Green Eyes announced dramatically. "E-Elephant?" Finnick asked. "I'm not an elephant!" he yelled. "Yes you are!" Blue retorted. "Look!" he said as he pointed to a screen the had dropped down. On the screen was footage of Finnick in his elephant costume during the pawsicle scam that he and Nick had performed during Officer Hopps' first week.

" _My little boy has always wanted to be an elephant_ ," Nick said with his charming voice. "Okay, where did you get that? Why did you get that? When did you get that? And HOW did you get that footage?" Finnick asked. The incident in question had occurred over two years ago.

"That doesn't matter right now!" Green said. "Yeah! What matters is that it proves you're an elephant!" Blue added. "It was a SCAM! We were hustlin' animals out of a free jumbo pop for a scam!" Finnick exclaimed. "You're quite articulate for an elephant," Blue said. "Eeeeeuuuueeeeaaaeeeeuuuuuueeeee-yeah!" Green Eyes exclaimed.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Finnick asked in disgust. "Grab the weasel!" Blue ordered Green. "Why do I always have to grab the stuff?" Green asked as he walked a short distance and retrieved a small rubber duck. "Here we go, the Earth Weasel!" Green said triumphantly.

"That's a rubber duck!" Finnick exclaimed. "Nonsense! Now, fuse the elephant to the weasel!" Blue ordered green. "When we are finished, you will be added to our mighty collection of harvested beings from across the universe!" Blue exclaimed as he pointed to a vast array of empty tubes and containers lining the ship's interior. "Um... where are they?" Finnick asked.

"They escaped!" Green said. "Don't say that! It might give him ideas!" Blue reprimanded Green. "Oh, sorry," Green said. "Um, could you just let me go?" Finnick asked them. "No. It's impossible, for we have passed the point of no retuuuuuuuuuuurrrrn," Green said. Finnick looked down at the clear window that showed the megalopolis of Zootopia below them.

"Um, are you sure about that?" Finnick asked them. "I mean, I could just jump down onto a roof or something an-wait a minute! You're just hovering in plain sight above the city?" Finnick asked. "What? Of course not!" Green replied. "Yes, we have an advanced cloaking system in place!" Blue added.

* * *

Down on the streets of Zootopia, Officers Judy Hopps and Nick Wilde stared up at the giant blue whale floating in the sky. "Well, there's something you don't see every day," Nick commented. "Uh-huh," Judy added.

* * *

"But enough about philosophy," Blue said. "But, we weren't discussing-" "Silence! Begin the hideous experiment!" Blue ordered as Green grabbed a roll of duct tape. "What do you think you're doing!?" Finnick asked as they ganged up on him with the tape and the duck.

Several minutes later, Blue and Green stood back, looking at Finnick in amazement. "Good work. Absolutely amazing!" Blue said. "Excellent indeed, isn't it!?" Green asked him as the two nimrods congratulated themselves. The rubber duck had been duct-taped to Finnick's head.

"You guys are morons. Complete and utter morons," Finnick growled. "What should we do next?" Blue asked. "I know! Let's fuse him to this juice," Green suggested as he took a sip out of a box of juice. "No, no. I think we've already proven our mastery of the fusing technology," Blue said.

"But the juice! JUICE!" Green whined. "Hey! I'm the captain and I'm sick of you always fusing things to my juice boxes!" Blue exclaimed angrily. Finnick watched the two idiots continue their argument as he spied a hatch in the ship. "I know! Let's see how he reacts to having things shoved through his head!" Blue suggested before taking a sip of juice.

"No shoving! His head is just begging for juice fusion!" Green countered. Finnick walked over to the hatch and tried to open it. "Hey! The elephant is escaping!" Blue yelled. "Oh shit," Finnick muttered. "Get him!" Green cried as he and Blue ran forward. Finnick grabbed the rubber duck and tore it away form his head, wincing as the tape tore at his fur.

"Gyaah!" Finnick roared as he threw the rubber duck at Blue. "Oh no! I'm infected! I've been infected!" Blue screamed as he juggled the rubber duck in his claws. "It's okay! I've got the vaccine!" Green exclaimed as he pushed a tube of chap-stick against Blue. "Oh, thank you! I thought I was dead for a second there," Blue said in relief.

The two aliens then turned to look at Finnick. Finnick pointed to the side, and both aliens looked in the direction he was pointing. When they looked back, he was gone. "Oh no! Another escape! Is it just me!? Is it just me!? Huh!?" Blue exclaimed in frustration. Neither of them paid much attention to the open ventilation shaft above them.

* * *

Finnick crawled through the shaft until he found another hatch to jump down through. He landed on his feet and look around, seeing a multitude of catwalks and rails throughout a large room, filled to the brim with empty specimen containers. Sparks flew from various machinery, playing games of light and shadow as he ran through the room, noticing the shadows of the idiots behind him. Finnick stopped briefly to make shadow puppets, creating a butterfly, rabbit, and a bat.

He then quickly ran through a doorway, closing the door behind him as he entered another room, filled with even more tubes and containers. "Dammit, there has to be a way out of this place," Finnick said to himself as he walked around. He saw another open ventilation shaft and smirked.

* * *

"Arrgh!" Blue yelled in frustration as he and Green grabbed some cups and placed them under a juice dispenser. "We shouldn't have fused him! We've made him twice as powerful! Twice as deadly!" Blue exclaimed. "I'm telling you, a juice fusion would have slowed him down good," Green said. "Oh, not the juice again!" Blue yelled.

"Why!? We have plenty to spare!" Green retorted. "What if the juice had made him more powerful, huh!? did you think of that!?" Blue replied. "Whoa! Whoa! Wait!" Green exclaimed, before Blue sniffed the air and his armpits. "Are we talking about the same juice?" Green asked Blue.

"Yeah. Hey, when was the last time you cleaned yourself?" Blue asked him. "Define self," Green replied. Up in a vent shaft, Finnick shook his head in disgust at the two aliens in the snack room below him. Finnick continued crawling until he found a grill inside of a room filled with large metal pods.

"What are these?" he asked himself as he dropped down into the room. The door slid open the aliens stared at him, slack-jawed. "Look, there he is! He's trying to use the escape pods!" Blue exclaimed. "Oh, that's what these are? Thanks!" Finnick said as he climbed into one. Blue and Green hissed and waved their claws at him in a futile attempt to be menacing.

"Okay, here we go!" Finnick said as he pressed the launch button. The countdown timer went from ten to zero, and then the large pod dropped out of the belly of the ship and onto the streets below. Finnick yelled at the sensation of weightlessness until gravity caught up to him. "Ouch," he grumbled.

Meanwhile, Nick and Judy watched at the large spherical pod crashed into the ground. "Did that thing just give birth?" Nick asked in amazement. "I don't think that's a baby whale," Judy said as she and Nick walked forward. A hatch on the pod opened, and Finnick slowly climbed out. "Finnick!" Nick exclaimed.

"Hey, Nicky. What's up?" Finnick asked with a cough as he looked up. "Um... not much. What happened to you?" Nick asked in return. "Buddy, you ain't gonna BELIEVE the stupidity that I've witnessed today," Finnick said tiredly. "Can't be any worse than when I sold that rug to Mr. Big," Nick replied.

"I still can't believe you actually did that," Judy said with a sigh. "Believe it," Finnick said before he took in the sight of her rounded belly. "Hey, you and Nicky here already makin' hybrids? Now there's a fusion," Finnick commented. Judy lifted her uniform to show him a large bag of candy strapped to her stomach. "Sorry," Finnick said. "They're for Clawhauser when we return to the station," Judy explained. "I didn't ask, but whatever," Finnick said.

* * *

"Great, another escape," Blue said in frustration. "Oh well. It's time for our next subject: the Earth **PLATYPUS!** " he exclaimed. Down on the ground, Chief Bogo looked up at the sky and blinked in confusion as a teleportation beam took him up into the ship. Benjamin Clawhauser's jaw dropped in shock before he called in the event on his radio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There really aren't enough stories out there right now that focus on Finnick.
> 
> And yes, this story was inspired by an episode of Invader Zim.


	12. Sam Peckinpaw's Carrot Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's up for some fun in the park?

Disclaimer: Zootopia is owned by Disney. Personally, I think that this information is obvious, but for the sake of legal protection, I will state it anyway.

Also, this one shot contains a lot of Monty Python stuff, so... I hope you know what to expect.

* * *

**Sam Peckinpaw's** _**Carrot Days** _ **(2016)**

* * *

It was a lovely afternoon in the park, where upwards of twelve animals were enjoying themselves at a picnic with a portable piano outside. There was laughter and cheer, joy and mischief. Playing the piano was a smiling Chief Bogo of the Zootopia Police Department, while the guests around him were Judy Hopps, Nick Wilde, Officers Wolford, Fangmeyer, Grizzoli, Higgins, Trunkaby, Delgato, Johnson, Anderson, and Officer Swinton.

Walking up to the group, carrying a tennis racket, was Officer Benjamin Clawhauser, who had a bright big smile on his face. "Hello, everyone! What a marvelous day, isn't it?" Clawhauser greeted with enthusiasm. "Quite!" Francine Trunkaby replied with a smile. "Oh yes! It's so... sunny!" Judy Hopps proclaimed in agreement.

"Hey, who wants to play some tennis?" Clawhauser asked with great anticipation, his eyes opened as wide as his smile. "That sounds _super!_ " Higgins, a hippo, exclaimed with joy. Nick Wilde, who had picked up a tennis ball from the ground, lifted it up and smiled at Clawhauser.

"Count me in," Nick said. "All right! Wilde, toss me the tennis ball, please?" Clawhauser requested of the red fox. "Sure!" Nick said enthusiastically before gently tossing the fuzzy green sphere at his fellow ZPD officer. The tennis ball curved through the air before gently tapping Clawhauser's left eye, causing him to wince in pain and reach up to cover it with his right paw as blood began spurting out profusely.

"Errggghh!" Clawhauser hissed before a terrible spasm caused him to throw his tennis racket forward, impaling Judy in the stomach. "Oh, Nick!" Judy cried out in pain before grabbing his arm as she fell over to the side, pulling the arm out of its socket and sending blood everywhere. Nick stumbled around in shock before accidentally bumping into the piano, causing the key-cover to fall onto Bogo's hooves, slicing them off at the wrists. Bogo brought his bleeding stumps up to his face to inspect them.

The blood spurted into Higgins' eyes, causing him to bump into Francine, severing her right leg from her body and causing her to fall over onto Johnson and Anderson, crushing the polar bear and lion, sending their plastic cups of water rolling on the ground, where they accidentally sliced Wolford's toes off, causing him to howl in pain. Wolford grabbed his right foot and hopped around, hitting Swinton with his knee and knocking her head off. The pig's severed head rolled into the piano, causing it to fall over onto Higgins and Grizzoli, crushing the hippo and cutting the polar bear in half as Fangmeyer watched the scene in horror, before Nick stumbled into her, causing her arms to fall off.

The green grass of the park was soon painted red as the festivities wound down.

_Fin_

* * *

Author's Notes: And that was Sam Peckinpaw's _Carrot Days_ (2016). Despite being lambasted at the box office for its brutal violence, the film went on to gross nearly five times its budget world wide, and many critics have pointed out the striking contrast between absurdist humor and gore on screen, calling it a pointed commentary on society's views on sex and violence.  Other entries in Sam Peckinpaw's resume of work include _Rogue Produce_ (2015), _Holdup In Aisle Five_ (2015), and _Greens Of Vengeance_ (2017).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Real Author's Notes: Yeah, this is basically a Monty Python sketch. You can probably expect more at some point in the future.


	13. Mr. And Mrs. Wilde's Morning News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick and Judy discover just how compatible they really are one morning.

Zootopia One Shots by Anguirus1955

Disclaimer: Zootopia is owned by Disney. Personally, I think that this information is obvious, but for the sake of legal protection, I will state it anyway.

* * *

**Mr. & Mrs. Wilde's Morning News**

* * *

Nicholas Piberius Wilde looked at his wife with wide eyes. A humongous bombshell had just been dropped on him no less than a minute ago, and his wife, Judith Laverne Wilde, was looking at him expectantly, an anxious expression on her face. Nick didn't really know how to feel about Judy's words, although, he really should have seen it coming. The signs had been there all week.

First, there had been Judy's mood swings. After that, there had been the cravings, and then the sensitivity to bright lights. There was also the biggest indicator of all: morning sickness, and Judy's briefly increased libido, which was the one symptom that had probably caused him to overlook all of the others for a time. But, with the consistency of these symptoms, Judy had finally bought herself a little testing kit at the pharmacy.

She hadn't used it until this morning, but the results, which Nick had seen on the counter next to the sink, were unmistakable.

Nick had awoken that morning to find the bed empty, and the bathroom light on, which had become a common occurrence that week. It was the sound of whimpering and the faint scent of tears that had gotten his attention, prompting him to make his way over and see if Judy was okay. He'd found her sitting on the floor with her arms around her legs and her chin on her knees.

There were tear stains on her cheek, and when he kneeled down next to her, she merely curled up into his embrace. He'd asked her what was wrong, and Judy moved an arm to point at the counter. Nick stood up and looked at the little white stick with the pink end on it and saw the box sitting next to it. He looked down at Judy, not quite ready to believe that this was all real until she shakily stood up and looked him in the eyes.

"Nick. I... I'm pregnant," Judy said. Time did not stop for Nick. The world did not come to a halt. The clock on the wall continued doing its job without interruption. Nick's mouth, however, did stop functioning for a brief moment as he processed the news. Nick gulped and slowly nodded his head as his brain began wrapping itself around Judy's words, which brought him back to the present.

Nick was curious, of course, as to how Judy could be pregnant, but he had never smelled another male on her, and he was the only one that she copulated with. The kits were his and hers, and no one else's. Judy was pregnant. He was the father. He was going to be a father. He, Nicholas Piberius Wilde, was going to be a father.

A small part of Nick wanted to run away and hide, but the rest of his mind quickly beat that small part of him into violent submission. Taking a deep breath, Nick was unable to help himself as a nervous smile spread over his face. Judy quickly mistook this for rejection and tears began to well up in her eyes.

Realizing the delicate nature of the situation, Nick quickly forced himself to grab judy and pull her into a hug, kissing her on her head. "I'm not mad. I'm not angry. I... I _am_ nervous, and scared, Carrots. I'm terrified, but... I'm also... happy?" Nick said, uncertain. His father had disappeared from his life when he was very young. He still didn't know just what had happened to his father, or whether the older fox was even still alive.

What Nick did know, however, was that he would not disappear from his children's lives. He would be there for them, no matter what happened. He would be there for his wife, his best friend, his mate, Judy Wilde. They'd faced numerous life-threatening situations and criminals in their lives prior to this, and they were going to face this situation head-on and come out for the better.

"N-Nick, I promise you, they're yours," Judy said. "I know. I can smell it. But... there's still one very important thing we have to discuss," Nick said. "W-What's that?" Judy asked him with a nervous gulp. "How many are we having?" Nick asked her with a smile. Judy's nervousness washed away as she looked up at Nick. She started to chuckle before leaning up and kissing her mate on his snout.

"I don't know yet. Do you mean how many are in me, or how many will we have until we stop?" she asked him. "How many are in you?" he asked her. "I don't know yet," she replied with a giggle. "Well then... I guess we should find out," Nick said. "Wanna schedule an appointment with your doctor next week?" Nick asked her. "Want to? Nick, I _need to_ ," Judy replied.

"Do you want me to come with you?" he asked her as he rubbed her back gently. "Yes," Judy replied. "Then I'll be there. We... we'll have to notify Chief Bogo, though. Hopefully, we can tell him before Clawhauser figures it out and blabs to everyone," Nick said. "Well, we don't have to tell anyone until Monday," Judy said. "No. Right now, it's just us. Let's call my mother and tell her that she finally has grand-kits. Then we can call your parents and see their reactions," Nick said with a grin.

"Let's call your mom first," Judy said with a smile. Nick nodded his head. "Hey, Mom, guess what? I'm going to be a father," Nick said. "I... I'm going to be a father," he said. Now that he had said the words out loud, the whole thing took on a much greater meaning to him. "I'm... I'm going to be a father!" he exclaimed as he pulled Judy into a hug.

"I'm so happy and terrified and anxious!" he said quickly. "So am I, but you aren't the one who's going to be carrying these kits to term," Judy replied. "Oh yeah... Judy, you're going to be a mother," Nick said with a grin. "That much is obvious," Judy said, rolling her eyes. "Say it out loud," Nick urged her. "I... I'm going to be a mother. I'm going to be a mother! I'm going to get fat and bloated and I'll be put on desk duty!" Judy cried out.

"That's quite true, but you'll still get paid maternity leave," Nick said. "I-I guess so. We're going to be parents," Judy said. "Let's say it together," Nick said as he dragged Judy out of the bathroom and over to the bedroom, grabbing her phone and dialing Judy's parents. "Okay, together. One, two..."

" _Hello? Judy?_ " Bonnie Hopps asked through the muzzle-time app.

"Three!" Nick finished before taking a breath. "WE'RE GOING TO BE PARENTS!" Nick and Judy exclaimed happily together. " _What!?_ " Bonnie asked in shock through the phone. Judy looked over at the phone in Nick's paw. "Hi, Mom," Judy said with wide eyes.

" _Hey, what's going on?_ " Stu Hopps asked as he walked over to his wife and looked at the phone.

"Um... hi Dad. Guess what? I'm pregnant!" Judy said happily. " _Oh, that's good! So, who donated to you?_ " Stu asked. "Nick's the father," Judy said happily as said fox put an arm around her and drew her to his side with a smile.

"I am," Nick said. Stu's eyes widened and he fainted. " _Stu?_ " Bonnie asked as she looked down at her husband.

Nick turned to look at his wife. "Let's call my mother next," Nick said. Judy, realizing that Nick had tricked her by calling her parents first, nodded her head.

"Bye Mom! We gotta call Nick's mother and tell her too! We'll call you guys back later!" Judy said before ending the call. She quickly dialed a number on her phone and kept the muzzle-time off.

As soon as the phone was picked up on the other end, Nick spoke. "Hey, Mom, guess what? Me and Judy are going to be parents! Judy's pregnant... and I'm the father," Nick said joyously.

" _Oh em goodness! I have to tell everyone!_ " came a male voice that snapped Nick out of his reverie. "That... is _not_ my mother," Nick said in horrified realization. "No. No, that is not," Judy said with a smirk. Nick turned to look at his mate and saw the victorious grin on her face.

"Sly bunny," Nick said. "Dumb fox," Judy replied. "Perfect mate," Nick said. "Perfect mate," Judy replied before leaning forward and kissing him. Judy shut the phone off before she and Nick began engaging in the very act that had caused that morning's events in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes: After the dark and serious tone of the Reckless Endangerment series, I decided that I wanted to do something a little more humorous. But enough about my crossover stories. To any who are curious, this little one shot does take place in the same timeline as the Reckless Endangerment series. It occurs a couple years after the events of The Scales Of Fear.


	14. Nick's Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick has a terrible nightmare.

Disclaimer: Zootopia is owned by Disney. Personally, I think that this information is obvious, but for the sake of legal protection, I will state it anyway.

* * *

**Nick's Nightmare**

* * *

Nicholas Wilde was awoken in the middle of the night by a lack of warmth by his side and the sound of sniffling. Sitting up in the bed, he rubbed his eyes and saw Judy, his partner and mate, standing in the doorway of the bedroom. "Carrots? What's wrong?" Nick asked her. Judy opened her mouth to speak, forming shapes with her mouth, but no sound came out.

"I-I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" Nick asked her. Judy walked closer to the bed and looked at him with a frown, which soon turned into a smile. "Uh... you okay?" Nick asked her curiously.

"Nick? I... I'm pregnant," Judy said. Nick's eyes widened. He then opened his mouth to speak, before Judy continued.

"And the father is **_Clawhauser!_** " Judy exclaimed happily. Said cheetah soon stepped into the bedroom, wearing only a towel around his waist. The fat feline bastard looked at Nick with a grin and gave him a thumbs-up.

Nick felt as though someone had shot him in the chest. He soon began to cry. A thunderstorm soon began raging outside the apartment as well, but that was just a coincidence.

* * *

"Nick, wake up! Wake up!" Judy exclaimed as she tugged on the whimpering fox in front of her. Nick had kicked her out of bed in his sleep, whimpering and crying, alarming Judy considerably. "Nick, it's just a nightmare! Come on, wake up!" Judy implored the whimpering fox.

Nick soon opened his eyes and frantically looked around the bedroom of the apartment. "C-Carrots!?" he asked, sounding like a frightened child. Judy crawled over to him on the bed and put her arms around him.

"Shh! I'm here, Nick," she said calmly. "I'm here, Honey. It's okay. It's okay," she whispered into his ears. Nick quickly hugged her back and cried into her shoulder.

"I-I had a nightmare. Y-You were-were... p-pregnant! A-And C-Clawhauser was the father!" Nick exclaimed. Judy pulled back and looked at Nick incredulously.

"Wait, _Clawhauser!?_ " Judy asked him. Nick nodded his head in affirmation. "Nick, I'm not pregnant, and I've _never_ slept with Clawhauser," Judy said reassuringly. "Only you, Nick. Because I _love_ only you," Judy said before leaning in to give her mate a kiss. "Now, come on. Let's get back to sleep," Judy said before snuggling up to Nick as he curled himself around her and used his tail to blanket her. The duo soon fell back to sleep peacefully, while two raccoon brothers outside the apartment attempted to get inside to rob them, but were thwarted by the building's anti-burglar system.

THE END.


	15. The Green Pastry of Fate

Disclaimer: Zootopia is owned by Disney. Personally, I think that this information is obvious, but for the sake of legal protection, I will state it anyway.

* * *

**Benjamin Clawhauser and the Green Pastry of Fate**

* * *

Benjamin Clawhauser eyed the various pastries inside the bakery hungrily. He was hungry. He was hungry and he had money, so he walked inside the store and looked around at the pastries, breads, and other baked goods. Walking past the front counter, Clawhauser saw that no one was at the register. "Hello?" he called out. He received no response. Shrugging his shoulders, he continued walking through the bakery.

Walking through the aisles of pre-packaged breads, donuts, cookies, and pies, Clawhauser soon stopped when he came upon an open door. Sitting on a shelf next to the door was a green Danish pastry, which had a slight glow to it. Next to it was a package of Pistachio muffins, and looking around, Clawhauser decided that the muffin was worth taking. He looked at the price of the similarly sized Danishes and put the appropriate change on the counter with a note detailing what he had purchased before leaving the bakery.

Walking out of the store, Clawhauser made his way down the street before taking the Danish out of its bag and sniffing it. It seemed okay, and so he took a bite out of it, and another, and another. Soon, he had devoured the entire green Danish. "Doesn't taste like Pistachio," he said to himself after he finished eating the pastry. Soon, he felt an odd sensation in his stomach, before he heard a cry of distress coming from a nearby alleyway.

Running over to the alley, Clawhauser saw an elderly female kudu playing tug-of-war with a middle-aged male donkey over her purse. "Heeeelllp!" the kudu cried out. "Just give me your purse! It's rectangular and purple! I want it!" the donkey exclaimed greedily as he tried to pry the purse from the old kudu's hooves. "Stop, in the name of Gazelle!" Clawhauser exclaimed as he rushed forward, feeling a wave of strength flowing through him from within.

He soon noticed a glow emanating throughout the alley as he felt something covering his body, until he reached out and noticed the green fabric covering his arm and paw. Clawhauser looked down at his body and saw a green suit covering it. "I feel like I have the strength of a rhino... that has the strength of _ten_ rhinos!" he said excitedly.

Looking back over at the donkey, Clawhauser held out a paw. "Halt! In the name of the law, I command you to stop your act of theft!" Clawhauser bellowed mightily. The kudu and the donkey both turned their heads to stare at the cheetah with wide eyes. The donkey let go of the purse in surprise and started laughing, giving the elderly kudu a chance to grab her purse back and swing it around, smacking the jackass in the head with it.

"Ah! Hey, she assaulted me!" the donkey exclaimed. "You were trying to steal my purse!" the elderly kudu retorted. "But it's _purple_ and _rectangular!_ " the donkey reiterated. "I _must_ have it!" he exclaimed maniacally, before the elderly kudu smacked him again. "Ow!"

Clawhauser leaned in to take a closer look at the purse. It was indeed purple and rectangular, as the donkey had said. "Hey, he's right," Clawhauser said. "Still, that's no excuse for trying to steal someone's personal means of carrying their belongings and money," he quickly added. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to come with me, sir," Clawhauser said to the donkey.

"Uh... no," the donkey said flatly. "Sir, I am only going to ask nicely one more time. Please, accompany me to the police station," Clawhauser said. The donkey stared at him before glancing over at the elderly kudu. He then pointed behind Clawhauser. "Hey, what's _that!?_ " he asked, causing Clawhauser to turn around. The donkey then grabbed the purse and ran away.

"He took my purse, and he's getting away!" the elderly kudu cried out. Clawhauser turned back around and gasped in shock. "Hey, come back!" he shouted as he ran after the thief. "You'll have to catch me, fatso!" the donkey shouted at him as he ran through the alley.

"F-Fatso? _NOBODY CALLS ME FATSO AND LIVES!_ " Clawhauser growled before shooting forward, running on all fours before catching up to the thief. "Holy shit!" the donkey cried out in alarm as Clawhauser rammed into him. The donkey cried out as he felt his spine snap from the force of the impact.

Clawhauser grabbed the purse and held it aloft in the air, roaring in victory. "I am Clawhauser! You will respect my authority!" the portly cheetah exclaimed. "I need a doctor," the donkey whined. Clawhauser looked down at him and narrowed his eyes at the donkey in contempt. He then raised his foot, preparing to stomp on the animal's face. " **Stop, Clawhauser,** " a deep voice spoke.

Clawhauser looked around and saw a large onion with legs and arms walking towards him. The onion had a face on it with a large chin. "Who are you?" Clawhauser asked the onion. " **I am Vadilius. I am an onion,** " Vadilius replied. "Whoa!" Clawhauser gasped in awe. " **You are the Green Cat of prophecy as was your father before you,** " Vadilius said. "My... father?" Clawhauser asked him.

" **Yes. He was a Green Cat as well, and he used his powers to protect my people from harm,** " Vadilius said. "Your people?" Clawhauser asked in confusion. " **Yes. My people, the Oniosians, hail from another planet deep in outer space. We came here eons ago and settled on this planet looking for a new life. However, the effects of this system's star cause us to become smelly and brown if exposed for too long. Thus, we have stayed underground in special domes,** " Vadilius explained.

"Wow. That all sounds like bullshit, but I'll accept it anyway," Clawhauser said in amazement. Vadilius frowned at fired a blue beam from his eyes, causing Clawhauser to hold his face in agony. "Aah! What the hell!?" Clawhauser cried out. " **Do not speak ill of my words, Green Cat. I am an onion,** " Vadilius said with a warning tone. "Ah! It burns! It burns!" Clawhauser cried, before his world soon faded to black.

* * *

Judy Hopps sniffled as she looked at the coffin being lowered into the ground. Sitting beside her, Nick Wilde, her partner and lover, put a comforting paw on one of her own. Standing in front of them, Chief Bogo, wearing a suit and tie, began speaking. "And so, with a heavy heart, we send our dear friend, Benjamin Clawhauser, to the beyond. Let this be a lesson to all of you. When a pastry is glowing bright green, that does not mean that it is made of pistachios. That means it contains radioactive waste, and should be avoided at all costs," Bogo said firmly.

Nick nodded his head. "Now we know," he said. Francine Trunkaby nodded her head in agreement.

"Yes, and knowing is half the battle," she added.

Judy continued sniffling sadly as Bogo resumed speaking as Clawhauser's coffin was finally lowered into the ground.

Fin.


End file.
